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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
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Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
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Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
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Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
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Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
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Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
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Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
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Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
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When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
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If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
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When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
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Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
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Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
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When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn't even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
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The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
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Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
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If Jack Bauer had killed Jesus, there never would have been a resurrection.
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Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
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JB is the most dangerous element on the periodic table of elements.
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Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
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Texas doesn't mess with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
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When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants.  No one limits Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer wrote the "Davinci Code". Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt.  He demands that his pants stay up.
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Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
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Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
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For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart,  He gives you your Ex's heart.
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Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
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GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
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Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.
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If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
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The Japanese surrendered during World War II because it was rumored that President Truman would give Jack Bauer 48 hours to complete the downfall of Japan.
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When Jack Bauer makes popcorn, he gets no unpopped kernels. The kernels are afraid of what Jack might do to them if they don't pop.
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The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack's face.
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Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
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The universe was not created by GOD, or the big bang theory.  It was actually created when Jack Bauer survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face and then removed norris's intestines.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the life expectancy of all Middle Eastern countries has been shortened by fifty years.
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Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
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Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
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CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
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Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
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Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
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Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
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On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
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When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
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Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
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Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
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Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
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Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
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If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
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After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
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Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
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Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
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Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
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When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
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For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
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If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
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Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
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When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
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If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
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Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
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Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
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Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
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Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
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When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
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Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
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When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
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Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
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Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
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