cid results from the CPAN

Acme-24

view release on metacpan or search on metacpan

When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
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Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
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Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
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In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
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When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
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Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
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Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
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Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer is no fool.
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Jack Bauer completes his missions in 24 hours because he hates going home with a messy desk.
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Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus.  Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
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What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers' ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.
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Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
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When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
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Jack Bauer turns left on red.
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Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don't have legs.
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Jack Bauer has caused more suicides than extacy.
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Edgar styles once gave Jack Bauer the wrong coordinates.  Jack Bauer slapped him so hard he now has a lisp.  Edgar Styles never gives the wrong coordinates anymore.  
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Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
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Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
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A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
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Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
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If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
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After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections.  He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
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Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
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If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
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If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
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Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't die when he gets shot, he only gets pissed.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
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Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
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Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
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Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
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Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
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Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
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Jack Bauer went to Taco Bell and told them he wanted something more spicy.  The results led to the E. Coli outbreak of December 2006.
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Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
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Jack Bauer's eardrums are made out of titanium.
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Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

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Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
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Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan.  If you live, you're part of that plan.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own Tivo. His VCR simply lives in fear of ever forgetting to record his shows again.
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Chuck Norris may be able to divide by 0, but Jack Bauer can shove a towel down someone's throat. All the way.
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Jack Bauer can ride shotgun in the driver's seat.
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Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words, "Trust me".
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Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't care about Kanye West.
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Jesus did not die for our sins. He refused to divulge information to Jack Bauer.
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Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
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Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500.  On a skateboard.
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Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
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There's only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
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Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
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Jack Bauer didn't quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn't strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.
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Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level, you don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
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Bob Marley was not lying, he did not shoot the deputy, Jack Bauer did.
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When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
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Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, "I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me."
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Being Jack Bauer's caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
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If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
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When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
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Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
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When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
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The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
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Jack Bauer thinks Martini's shaken not stirred are for pussies.
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Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
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Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
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Jack Bauer was going to study for a PhD, but he thought the hour could be better spent working for CTU.
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In the directors cut of Titanic when Rose says "I'll never let go Jack", she then pulls Leonardo DiCaprio's hand off hers and lets him drown, rolls over and has sex with Jack Bauer. Poor Leo thought she meant him.
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Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone's ass.
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Keynesian Economics do not exist. Since the birth of Jack Bauer, nothing has dared to try and ration him. 
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
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Cindy Crawford's mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
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Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
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Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
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Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
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Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
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The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
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The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
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In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.
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God invented the male orgasm so Jack Bauer would know when to stop fucking.
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Jack Bauer told Frankie to "Relax".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
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James Heller said, "You're cursed Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead."
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
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Jack Bauer is the only one who knows the true location of Homer Simpson's Springfield.
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A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
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Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
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Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
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Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
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Jack Bauer's 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
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If you pretend that you are retarded, Jack will not hurt you.
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Why did Forrest Gump run so fast?  Jack Bauer was chasing him.
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Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa. 
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Jack Bauer knows who cut the cheese.
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Jack Bauer's only kidding.  He knows who you're working for.
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Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
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If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
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Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
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By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
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Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side. 
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Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
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Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
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Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
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Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
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The reason everyone with Allstate is "in good hands" is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they're all in Jack Bauer's hands.
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One day Jack Bauer went to a Frank Sinatra concert. When Frank came out on stage and began singing his opening song, "My Way", Jack Bauer ran up on stage, put two rounds in Sinatra's head and said, "No, Frank, we'll do it my way."

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Jack Bauer can send email even if he has exceeded his storage limit.
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A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying "I'm aganist abortion but for killing babies." Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.  ...
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Jack Bauer's semen has anti-viral properties, sex with him can cure AIDS, Herpes and the common cold.
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Jack Bauer never puts a safety on his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
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One man once said that Jack Bauer's IQ was "24." He was found the next day with a towels each shoved up his ass and mouth.
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Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
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Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
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Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 pm.
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John Holmes saw Jack Bauer naked in the locker room once, and had to cover himself in shame.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
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Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
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There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because "unicorns are gay."
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The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
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Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
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During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
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Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
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Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
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Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.
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Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
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CTU was originally comprised of one man: Jack Bauer. He decided to let other people work there too, but only because he wanted to help lower unemployment rates. He doesn't need the help, thank you very much.
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Jack Bauer is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman. Thanks to Nina Meyers, no one understands him.
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Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
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When women are around Jack Bauer, they don't menstruate - out of fear.
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With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he'll get a painful treat.
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The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
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David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
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Bedbugs tell their kids not to let Jack Bauer bite when they put them to bed.
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The I before E except after C rule can trace its origins to Kiefer.
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Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wipe his butt. Shit is afraid to hang around any longer than absolutely neccesary.
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When Gotham City is in trouble and needs Batman, they use the Bat signal to call Batman, when Los Angeles and the rest of the U.S. is in trouble, they use the mushroom cloud as the Bauer signal to call Jack.
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Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
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Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
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When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
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You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don't want to go down that road with him.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
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Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
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The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
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To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
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Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
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Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
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If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
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Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
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Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you&#x2019;re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
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The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
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When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
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If Jack Bauer told me "I won't let anything happen to you" and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
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When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called "Jack Attack".  Screech wasn't let into the band.
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Jack Bauer remembers the last time he heard his father say "stop torturing your brother." It was Monday.
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Jack Bauer don't need no fucking easy button.
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When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
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If Jack Bauer was in Terminator 4, it would still be too short even if it was in slow motion.
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Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is, because he sunk it.
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In an attempt to curb overpopulation in Middle Eastern cities, the UN offered Jack Bauer a house in Iran. Jack Bauer declined because he wanted more of a challenge.   
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If you don't know who Jack Bauer is make a bomb threat and find out. (Note: Mortal Consequences are possible.)
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Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
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7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
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Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
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When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
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Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
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When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
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Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
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The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
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Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
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Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
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Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn't have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
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Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
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For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
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Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
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Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
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Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
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Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
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Jack Bauer wasn't able to shake Audrey Raines out of her catatonic state because he could relate to her. It was because he had a gun in his hand. If you give Jack Bauer a gun, he can do anything. 
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When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a tota...
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Losers always whine about their best... Jack Bauer goes home and fucks the prom queen.
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Jack Bauer took 'Hit me baby one more time' as an invitation. 9 months later, Britney had a baby.
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Earthquakes are a direct result of Jack Bauer taking a shit.
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There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death.  They are "You have to trust me" and "You are the only one who can do this."  While death isn't instant, it is inevitable.
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Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
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Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
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Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
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Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
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Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.
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It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
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In addition to working at CTU, Jack Bauer also holds a part-time job at the IRS.  Hence the phrase, "Death and taxes are the only sure things in life."
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The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorist in one turn.
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John McCain says torture doesn't work. Jack Bauer tortured him until he said that.
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Martin Luther King Jr. dreamt of Jack Bauer.
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In the event of a crash your corpse doubles as Jack Bauers flotation device.
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If MacGyver and Chuck Norris had a kid,
it would look like Jack Bouer&#x2019;s shit.
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There must be balance in the world.  When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many.  And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
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Jack Bauer can find the square root of -1.
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When Jack Bauer wants a vacation, every terrorist in Los Angeles is dead within an hour.
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The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
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When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to wait in line at the DMV.
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Jack Bauer will never need a concealed carry permit, his gun is never concealed.
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Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
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Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists.  While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist.  Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.  
%
Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
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If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
%
Contrary to poular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase's arm.
%
The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
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The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.

%
Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
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Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play "Russian Roulette".
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Steven Segal doesn't watch porn, he jacks off to episodes of 24.
%
In 2010, our legal system will change.  We will no longer swear to God, we will swear to Jack Bauer.
%
If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
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Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn&#x2019;t like any game that&#x2019;s not to the death. 
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There's a bullet out there with Jack Bauer's name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
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What happens when you break Jack Bauer's rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
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Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
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If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
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Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
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Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
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The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
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At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
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Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
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Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
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During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
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Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
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Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.
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Jack Bauer does not need SCUBA gear.  If he runs out of air, he uses anger.
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It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
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Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
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Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
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Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
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Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
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If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
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The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
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When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
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After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
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Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
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'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;
"She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he's not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
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Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
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Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina. 
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Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
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Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
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Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being &#x2018;put under&#x2019; in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the &#x201C;LOST&#x201D; island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray &amp; found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
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Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
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If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
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The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
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Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
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Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
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Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
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Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off. 
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Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex.  Why?  Two words, "Kim Bauer".
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Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
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50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
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If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
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Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
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Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
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There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn&#x2019;t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
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Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
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Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
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Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
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If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
%
Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
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Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
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To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler&#x2019;s actual list on fire.
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70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
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It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
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It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
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On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
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There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
%
The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
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Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
%
Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
%
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
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Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot."  Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
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The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer".  No matter who you are.
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What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times?  Nothing.  Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s dog put a sign on his fence that read &#x201C;Beware of Jack.&#x201D;
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
%
Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
%
Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
%
Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
%
Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
%
The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
%
Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
%
Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
%
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
%
Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
%
Jack Bauer's the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted. 
%
When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
%
Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
%
When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.  
%
When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
%
Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
%
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
%
Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
%
If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
%
Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
%
In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
%
Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
%
If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
%
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
%
To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
%
Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
%
When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
%
Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
%
Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
%
Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.
%
The Kool Aid Man once broke into Jack Bauer's living room shouting "OH YEAH."  After fixing the hole in Jack Bauer's wall, he was never seen again.  The stock market value for the Hawaiian Punch corporation has since tripled.
%
If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do.
%
Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him. 
%
Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
%
James Bond commited suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer.  He took the easy way out.
%
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
%
A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
%
Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally.  After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
%
Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
%
Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn't care because he plans on taking yours.
%
Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
%
Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
%
Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
%
In Mike Tyson's Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn't get back up.
%
When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
%
Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
%
Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
%
Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
%
Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
%
Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
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Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
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Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
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In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said "Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat". Untrue. Cats only live once.
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If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played. 
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Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
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Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never really learned how to fly a helicopter but it flew perfectly anyway. The helicopter was scared of what would happen if it didn't cooperate.
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Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Sylvester Stallone for custody of a Happy Meal.  Bauer then went on to garrote Ronald McDonald for being what he described as "a cheap vaudeville act".
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Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
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Wearing a bullet proof vest is like wearing a pink dress to Jack Bauer.  He simply needs to flex in order to stop bullets.
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Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
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Jack Bauer has made his own newspaper that only prints insulting cartoons of the prophet Mohammed.  It is now the biggest selling publication in the Arab world.
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Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
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Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

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Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitues pay Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can lock a key in it's drawer.
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When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
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Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
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Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus.  Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
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During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer&#x2026; did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
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When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
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If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
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In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
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Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
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Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
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After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
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Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be "The Man".  Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as "Jack Bauer".
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The FAA didn't put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.  
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Marines are often refered to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
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The "Burning Bush" was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
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Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
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Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
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7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
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Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
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When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
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Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
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If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
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If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
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Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health.  The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment. 
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The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
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Jack Bauer is the reason the Homeland Security rating was lowered from red, back down to yellow. It would have been green, however it still is very dangerous being around Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world's greatest actor.
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For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
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If a tree falls in the forest, it&#x2019;s because Jack Bauer wants it down.
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Jack Bauer's morning wood is strong enough to support a building.
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While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun.  Jack won.
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After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
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Every guy that dates Jack's daughter Kim looses a limb.  Coincidence?  I think not.
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Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
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If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
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If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
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Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
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The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
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Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
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The reason that it&#x2019;s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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Remember Pogs?  Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn't because he never had faggot toys like that.
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The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
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If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
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Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to "any and all people who are not Jack Bauer."
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When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
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Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
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Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
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Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
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Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
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Radioactive fallout won't mutate Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
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Jack Bauer's Sig reloads it's self because it's scared of him.
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Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."
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Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for pussies.
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If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
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Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
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When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
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Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
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The pain chart at the hospital reads &#x201D;0&#x201D; for no pain - &#x201C;10&#x201D; being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.
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"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
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As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
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Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
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The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
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Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
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Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
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Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
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Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
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Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
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The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
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Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
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Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.
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Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
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The thought of Jack Bauer gives Sub-Zero the chills.
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Jack Bauer can make the Juggernaut his bitch.
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Jack Bauer doesn't clean, dust is afraid of his belongings.
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One time Jack Bauer coughed, destroying three small developed countries, and knocking down the Berlin wall.
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When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
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When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn't have to stand on 17.
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When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
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If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
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When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
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When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
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Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
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Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
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Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
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When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
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Kim must have been adopted.  That's the only explanation.
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Jack Bauer's clothes dry in the washing machine.
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If the Vietkong caught Jack Bauer, they would still be torturing him by now. And he would still be smiling.
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Jack Bauer tried to play dogeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be, "a defensive manuever."
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The people at Konami refer "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" as 'Jack Bauer mode'.
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"Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco". Then Jack Bauer showed up.
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Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
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The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
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When Jack Bauer whispers something in Lil Jon's ear, he does not say "WHAT?!"
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When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
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Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
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In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer.  He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half.  One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer.  The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang...

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ", Jesus says, "Oh My God", God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer doesn't just think 'outside of the box'. He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box, just to break back out.
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In his college days at UCLA, Jack Bauer was the towel boy for the football team. There were no survivors.
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When Jack Bauer learned how much radiaton George Mason had been exposed to he shrugged and stated: "That's the amount I have for breakfast actually."
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In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer crosses the street and cars don't stop, Jack Bauer doesn't get run down; the cars get stood up.
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Jack Bauer was the only person that voted for Palmer.
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The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.
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A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
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Jack Bauer's version of "making love" is not shooting you after he fucks you.
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The FBI and CIA both use the show "24" as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
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There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
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Jack Bauer's favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
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Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer's clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
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Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
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Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words "cruel", "unusual", and "punishment".
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It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
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Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
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Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
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When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist's head as a ball.
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On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
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Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
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Eve was created from Adam's rib. Adam was created from Jack Bauer's toenail.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use Icy Hot, he uses WD-40.
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Jack Bauer's mother once caught him with his hand in the cookie jar when he was a child, he wanted the cookie, so he shot her.
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Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he's working for.
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Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
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If Jack on Lost's last name was Bauer, he would've killed "The Others," the polar bear, and the monster, and he would've gotten everyone rescued.  However, the show would've lasted only one episode.
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Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off?  It's called "Black Hawk Down".
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to say goodbye when he hangs up. Everyone knows when he's finished talking.
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George Mason once called Jack Bauer a "stupid chump." Years later he died in a nuclear blast.  This is no coincidence.
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Jack Bauer's hotness is responsible for global warming.
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The islamic word for death is "shamalamahmohammadjihad."  The literal english translation of this is "Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
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One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
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Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
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Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
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Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
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The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
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Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
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Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
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Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.   
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Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
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You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
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When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
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Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
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If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer's vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time.  This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video.  Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim...
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Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
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Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
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If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
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Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer's skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
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When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.
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At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to mak...
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Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
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Jack Bauer thinks life's a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
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Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
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Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
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After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
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A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
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Thomas Jefferson once said, "An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens". He never met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
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Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country.  To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck.  Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
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Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
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Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris...
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What an ego. Donald Sutherland claims to be the father of Jack Bauer.
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Jack decided to make Dirty Harry's day.
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Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
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Jack Bauer didn't really need a hacksaw.
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If you sit at a poker game with Jack Bauer, look around the table, and can't decide who the sucker is, you're probably dead now. 
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Jack Bauer can eat 7 Saltines in a minute and then wash them down with a gallon of milk.
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Jack Bauer kills more people per day than cancer.
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You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
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If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
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Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
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Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
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The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
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When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded. 
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The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
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Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
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Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
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Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
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Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.
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People dont go to Jack Bauer's house for halloween because he hands out cans of whoop-ass to everybody.
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A man once told Jack Bauer that guns should be banned. Historians agree that this is the worst mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world.
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Chase once asked Jack Bauer if he was having a case of the Mondays. This is the real reason Jack cut Chase's hand off.
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Jack Bauer eats pieces of shit like Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel for breakfast.
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Jack Bauer can eat a bag of Doritos and not get cheese on his fingers.
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When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.
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All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer...No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.
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Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
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Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.
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Jack Bauer does not have enemies, just people who he has to kill.
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Jack Bauer screwed Money Penny and sent James Bond the satellite pictures as a joke.
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Jack Bauer never gets cavities, tooth decay is afraid to go in his mouth.
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Jack Bauer controls the Matrix, he chose Neo to be the one because Jack Bauer doesn't like playing computer games.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time."
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Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. 
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Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant fucking balls... It didn't work.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

God didn't rest on the 7th day of Creation.  He created Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
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Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
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Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
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Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
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Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
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Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
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Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
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Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
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Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
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Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.
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Jack Bauer's semen cures breast cancer, but thats not why women crave it.
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Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
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If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
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When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
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Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
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If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
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Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
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Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
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Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
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When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
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You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
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Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
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Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
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Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s healing factor is so powerful he doesn&#x2019;t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
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At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
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Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
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Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
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While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
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Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
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Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


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Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves &amp; torture tactics.
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Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
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Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
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Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
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While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
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Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
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If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
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Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
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The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
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The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
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Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
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Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
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The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
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Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
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Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
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Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
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Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
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Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
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Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
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Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
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Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
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Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
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Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
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Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
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Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
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Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
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When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
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If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
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When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
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Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
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Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
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When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn't even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
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The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
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Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
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If Jack Bauer had killed Jesus, there never would have been a resurrection.
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Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
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JB is the most dangerous element on the periodic table of elements.
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Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
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Texas doesn't mess with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
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When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants.  No one limits Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer wrote the "Davinci Code". Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt.  He demands that his pants stay up.
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Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
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Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
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For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart,  He gives you your Ex's heart.
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Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
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GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
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Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.
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If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
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The Japanese surrendered during World War II because it was rumored that President Truman would give Jack Bauer 48 hours to complete the downfall of Japan.
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When Jack Bauer makes popcorn, he gets no unpopped kernels. The kernels are afraid of what Jack might do to them if they don't pop.
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The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack's face.
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Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
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The universe was not created by GOD, or the big bang theory.  It was actually created when Jack Bauer survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face and then removed norris's intestines.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the life expectancy of all Middle Eastern countries has been shortened by fifty years.
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Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
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Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.
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Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird.  Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
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If Jack Bauer had been flying the plane in "Top Gun", Goose wouldn't have died.
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The only person that injures Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer was in office, he had three phones: the regular phone, the red phone, and the Jack Bauer phone. Whenever there was a national crisis, guess which phone he used and here's a hint: it wasn't the red phone.
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Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway.  The bomb just gave him an excuse.
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When playing hide-and-go-seek with terrorists, Jack Bauer counts to infinity before kicking their asses.
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If Jack Bauer were to run for President, he would be the nomination for both parties and win with 100% of the votes.
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Jack Bauer stole every condom in the world. Why? Because he realized he's running out of people to kill. 
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
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Monday nights when your power goes out its because the mass majority of women and some men are all using their vibrators at the same time.
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Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called "Lethal Injection."  
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Jack Bauer's hairline is registered as a deadly weapon. 
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In 2003, the suicide rate for dentists reached 45.9%, an all time high. That's because in 2003, Jack Bauer had a cavity.
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Vampires dress up as Jack Bauer for Halloween.
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Ashton Kutcher got Punk'd by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer double dips.
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer.  Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep.  Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
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No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
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Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
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Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
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Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
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The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
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When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
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Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
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If you read Jack Bauer's files, you are about to lose your eyes.
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When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
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Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
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Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
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Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
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Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
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Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
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The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
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For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
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When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms. 
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Jack Bauer won a decathalon while only competing in 9 events.
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It's a simple arrangement in God's equation. Jesus Saves His children and Jack Bauer kills His mistakes.
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Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
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Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country." Fuck that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
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This year, the U.S. government is running a $400 Billion deficit.  A large contributing factor:  overage charges on Jack's cell phone.

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Jack Bauer teaches Flash Gordon how to manage his time better.
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When Jack Bauer had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
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When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
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Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
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Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
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After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said "Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings."

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
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Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
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MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
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Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
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One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
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Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
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Jack Bauer can give an orgasm to a chair by sitting on it.
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If Jack Bauer ever had to torture God to get information, he would.  Jack Bauer must protect CTU at all costs!
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Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
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Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
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If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
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When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
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Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
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If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
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You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
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Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
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Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
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Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
%
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "&lt; Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
%
Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
%
Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
%
Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
%
When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
%
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.
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When he was in college, Jack Bauer once did a kegstand for 24 hours.
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The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. 
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Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
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Don&#x2019;t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.
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If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
%
Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
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If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..."  get him a hack saw.  And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
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The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
%
Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
%
Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
%
When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying "slippery when wet" he hovers.
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Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
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Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.
%
Jack Bauer once spilled bean dip on Chloe at the CTU Christmas party. She's had a shitty fucking attitude ever since. 
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Jack Bauer is never charged the $2 fee when using foreign ATM machines.
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Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
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Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
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Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds.  Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
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"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
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In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
%
The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer's watch.
%
The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
%
Jack Bauer knows what the definition of "is" is.
%
Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
%
Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
%
If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  
%
Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China.  17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto.  Coincidence?
%
Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
%
Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
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Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like.  To kill.
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When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
%
Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
%
Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?  He has Edgar Stiles go for him. 
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If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
%
Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!" 
%
If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
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Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
%
Jack Bauer can smoke ciggarettes on an airplane.
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Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
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It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun.  Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
%
Jack Bauer knows what is in secret sauce.
%
The real reason "24" wasn't cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
%
When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
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Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
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Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
%
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
%
If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
%
Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. 


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Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
%
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
%
The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
%
If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
%
When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
%
Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
%
Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
%
Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
%
Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
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The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
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Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
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Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
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Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
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Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
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Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
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Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
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Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
%
You wouldn't think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.
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Jack Bauer wants to know, "Who are all of these fucking camera men!?" 
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Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work.  Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer's hands. 
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Micheal Jackson's face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer did not invent the term "bad ass."  He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
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Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
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Jack Bauer is uncircumcised.  Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
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Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.
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When your mother dies, you will find a sealed envelope hidden in her dresser. Enclosed within will be a letter that tells you that Jack Bauer is, in fact, your father.
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When Jack Bauer takes a "shot in the dark", at least 2 women get knocked up.
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Only Jack Bauer can have his picture taken, and take the picture... at the same time.
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If you tell Jack Bauer you have good news, he will kill you.  Jack Bauer don't need no fucking car insurance.
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80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
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When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
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Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
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The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24.  The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
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A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.  
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Jack Bauer wouldnt need a hydrolic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.
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Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eas...
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The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
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The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
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If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again. 
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Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
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If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
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The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. B...
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Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
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If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
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The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
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If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
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Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
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Superman sees his reflection in kryptonite and sees he isn't Jack Bauer, hence the weakness.
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Jack Bauer got Ray Charles to see.
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If Jack Bauer was captured by cannibals, sushi would be on the menu.
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Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under.  The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.
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When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
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Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
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Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
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In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide. 
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In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer.  He still does;  4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
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Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor.  Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail.  However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried ...
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The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
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No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
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The only reason Bill Gates doesn&#x2019;t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The X-Files are no longer on TV. That's because Jack solved them all.
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If you Google "Jack Bauer" using the I'm Feeling Lucky option, you'll be taken directly to God's email.
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I pissed my pants once during 24.  Not because I was scared.  Because if Jack Bauer can hold it in for 24 hrs, I can hold it in for one.
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Jack Bauer can dunk with no hands.
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Jack Bauer is in the dictionary, under 'pain.' Oh yeah, and 'busy motherfucker' too.
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If Jack Bauer told you to stop looking at these facts, you would stop looking at these facts.
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Jack Bauer wires a flash bang to his alarm clock every night before bed.
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Many find it hypocritical that the United States is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction in other countries while we ourselves have a Weapons of Mass Destruction named Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never craps because Jack Bauer never eats. Simple, is it not?
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Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.
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As a kid, Jack Bauer molested priests.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes. He makes more chances to kill.
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Jack Bauer always exercises inside his target heart rate.
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Jack Bauer didn't fire his boss. He terminated him.
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Saddam wasn't found by the military.  He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
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Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
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James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's penis is so large that the head has only seen the balls in pictures.
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A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him. 
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The term "power hour" has been replaced by "bauer hour".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
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Although no one can make Ashlee Simpson actually sing, Jack Bauer can make her talk.
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Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
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When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
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Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
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Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
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Jack Bauer has died twice. That's also a real fact.
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For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
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Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
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When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
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In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours &amp; 59 minutes to spare.
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There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
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Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
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Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
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Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
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If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
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Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
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Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
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When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
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Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
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When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
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There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
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Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
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Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
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We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
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Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
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Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
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If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
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Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
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If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
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Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

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Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
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Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
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Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
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Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
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Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
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Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
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"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
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Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
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Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
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The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
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Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
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Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
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Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
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An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
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Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
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To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
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'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."
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In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad.  That little boy's name?  Stephen Hawking.
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Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky.  With his hands tied behind his back.
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The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
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Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
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If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
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Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours. 
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Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan "Jack is Back" during the super bowl commercial. 
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Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.
%
Jack Bauer made Heather Brooke gag.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
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Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
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Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
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What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
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It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
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You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
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Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
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If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
%
Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
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Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
%
The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
%
When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
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Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
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Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
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Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business &amp; pleasure.
%
Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
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Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
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Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
%
When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
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Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
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When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
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The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
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Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
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We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
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Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
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The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
%
Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
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Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
%
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
%
Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics.  And wins it.
%
Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer's AUTHORI-TAH.
%
Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
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In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
%
24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't.  The reason?  Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
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Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer doesn't use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
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When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV.  With the Zapper.
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When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit" followed by "Son of a Bitch."
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Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
%
Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
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Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
%
24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
%
Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
%
Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
%
The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."
%
Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
%
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
%
In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn't forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
%
ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
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When Jack Bauer was a contestant on "The Apprentice", he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
%
If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
%
Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer's limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer's limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
%
Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
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Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.
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When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer.  In one move.
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876 students got perfect scores on their SAT. Also, there are exactly 876 people in the country named Jack Bauer. Coincidence or not? You decide. 
%
Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
%
When Jack Bauer plays Hold'em in Vegas, his pocket cards are always "bullets".
%
When Jack Bauer finds the nerve gas he will inhale it, becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
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If you're about to get into your Jeep Grand Cherokee and Jack Bauer throws you to the ground, tells you "Don't get up", and drives off with your Jeep, you better not fucking get up.
%
If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
%
The law is not above Jack Bauer. Not even the Laws of Physics.
%
Jack Bauer entered a building swarming with 167 agents, all of them with protocol to treat him as a hostile. Jack outnumbered them again.
%
Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
%
Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
%
When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
%
God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
%
Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
%
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
%
Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
%
The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
%
When Jack Bauer has the remote, you&#x2019;re watching whatever the fuck Jack&#x2019;s watching.
%
David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn&#x2019;t survive.
%
If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
%
When Jack Bauer's wife's paternity test revealed that he wasn't the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.
%
Jack Bauer wouldn't pray with Logan.
%
Jack Bauer knows what Arabs really have under their turbans.
%
If Jack thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
%
Jack Bauer remembers the Alamo.
%
In the evil, Mirror Mirror universe, Jack Bauer is exactly the same. He beats the shit out of everybody. The only difference is that he has a beard. 
%
When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
%
You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
%
Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
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While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
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After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
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If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
%
Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
%
MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
%
When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
%
When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".
%
When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
%
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
%
Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
%
Jack Bauer invented misery.
%
The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer.  However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
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Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
%
Jack Bauer does not yield when he turns right on red.
%
The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it. 
%
Someone once said "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen" Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
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Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
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The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
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Jack Bauer knows "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". He kills them.
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Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
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Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
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Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 
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Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
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Jack Bauer doesn&#x2019;t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
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McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
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Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.
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Jack Bauer didn't temporarily die from being tortured, he was getting bored of the terrorists antics and decided to take a nap before killing them.
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The real reason women love Jack Bauer:  He can find the Clitoris.  Always.
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It took this website's admin up to a week to post this fact.  Jack Bauer would've had it up in 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.

...no, seriously, he did.
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When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
%
Jack Bauer was unhappy because God didn't let Jack into heaven for all his sins but cheered up after he was able to eternally torture Nina, Drazen and Marwan in hell.
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Only Jack Bauer knows whats going to happen at the end of Day 5.  In order to keep it a secret, he killed Keifer Sutherland.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
%
Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls. 
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When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
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Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
%
Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants. 
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When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
%
Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
%
If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
%
The creators of the 007 movies offered Keifer Sutherland a position as the new James Bond. They then re-named the movie to, "0024."
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Now Curtis knows what happens when you ask Jack Bauer personal questions.
%
Jack Bauer Syndrome isn't an illness, it's a cause of death.
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Jack Bauer keeps a gun in his couch.  You don't want to know what he keeps in his La-Z-Boy.
%
Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
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Jack Bauer once ate Froot Loops and was told to follow his nose. He ended up finding 40 terrorists in an abandoned warehouse.
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In the shadows, a team of CIA specialists follow Jack Bauer at all times, ready to collect his tears for chemical warfare production.
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In Season 5 episode 5. When Jack Bauer was attacked by the assassin, he didn't crack Jack Bauer's rib. Jack Bauer's rib cracked the assassin's fist.
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Jack Bauer never parks in handicap parking spots. He does however make sure that there are plenty of crippled people to use them.
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When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate.  When bad things happen to bad people, it&#x2019;s probably Jack Bauer.
%
In Soviet Russia, bread stands in line for Jack Bauer.
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Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
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When God said &#x201C;Let there be light,&#x201D; Jack Bauer said &#x201C;Say please.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer tortured every member of the ACLU until they revealed the location of every terrorist cell in the U.S.
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Jack Bauer always hits above 16 in Blackjack.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
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When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
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Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No.  Really.  It is.
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Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
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"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
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Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name.  Jack responded, "Is your last name 'deathwish'?"
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Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
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Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder. 
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
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After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
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Jack Bauer thinks it's cute when David Banner says &#x201C;You wouldn&#x2019;t like me when I&#x2019;m angry&#x201D;. You wouldn&#x2019;t have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry, you'd be dead.
%
Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
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Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
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They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer's left and right arm tend to disagree.
%
Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
%
24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
%
If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he's become since her death.
%
Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
%
"Yeah" means "hello", "goodbye", "what's going on?", and "haha" in Jack's vocabulary.
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The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
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If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
%
It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
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If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
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"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
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Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
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The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
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Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
%
Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
%
Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
%
If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
%
When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
%
How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
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Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
%
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
%
Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
%
By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
%
If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
%
Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
%
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
%
For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
%
Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
%
Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
%
When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
%
Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
%
When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
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The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
%
Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
%
Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
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When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
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Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
%
Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
%
Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
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The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
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Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
%
Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
%
Jesus wasn't crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.
%
If Jack Bauer was in Star Wars, the Emperor would have to bow to him or die, Anakin would have died during child birth, Yoda would be his hand puppet, and George Lucas would have 4 broken fingers so he couldn't make Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
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Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
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If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald's, he would be called the McDeath.
%
Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan.  They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
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The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
%
I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
%
Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
%
Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
%
Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
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Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
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In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
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Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
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Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
%
Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
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Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
%
Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
%
Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
%
On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
%
When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
%
Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
%
Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
%
At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
%
Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
%
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
%
Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
%
Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
%
The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
%
Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
%
Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
%
The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
%
Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
%
When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
%
When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
%
Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
%
Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
%
At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
%
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
%
Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
%
What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer's open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
%
The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
%
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
%
Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
%
Paul Raines didn't die from his injuries.  He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying  resuscitate him.
%
Jesus once turned water into wine.  Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world's water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
%
The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
%
Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
%
Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
%
Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
%
Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
%
Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
%
Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
%
Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
%
Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
%
If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
%
Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
%
Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
%
The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
%
Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
%
Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
%
Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
%
The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
%
CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
%
Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
%
Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
%
Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
%
On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
%
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
%
Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
%
If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
%
Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
%
Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
%
The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
%
Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
%
Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
%
Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
%
If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
%
After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
%
Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
%
Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
%
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
%
When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
%
For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
%
If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
%
Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
%
When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
%
Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
%
When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
%
Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
%
When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
%
There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
%
Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
%
When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
%
Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
%
When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
%
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
%
If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
%
Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
%
Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
%
Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
%
Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
%
When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
%
Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
%
There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
%
Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
%
When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
%
Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
%
Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
%
If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
%
Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
%
In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
%
Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance.  Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
%
Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
%
Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
%
"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

%
Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
%
Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
%
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
%
If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
%
Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
%
Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
%
Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
%
Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
%
Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
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Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
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Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double.  Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer showers in acid rain.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take a dump.  He leaves it.
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Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
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Direct eye contact with Jack Bauer is not advised, unless you do not fear death. In that case, prepare to die.
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Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
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Jack Bauer can tie his own straight jacket.
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Because of Jack Bauer, car dealers now offer customers an optional handle in which terrorists can be tied to while being tortured.
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Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
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Jack Bauer stole lunch money from the bully.
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No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
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The only reason the energizer bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
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Jack Baur once cured a child of down syndrome.  He beat the extra gene out of him.
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China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction:  Jack Bauer.
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Many ask what happened to Beruz in season 4.  To Jack Bauer the day is a game, and if you leave the designated area without the blessing of Jack you get erased from existence.
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LA recently instituted a new city beautification program.  They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer's face covering the whole city.  Now LA's birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
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Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated,  but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

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Jack Bauer stole the cookie from the cookie jar.  And then he shot you for asking him about it.
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Jack Bauer's Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
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Jack Bauer can fit 21GB on a 20GB Ipod.
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When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
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Jack Bauer bites the bed bugs.
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When Kim's 4th grade teacher threatened her with detention if she didn't finish her homework, Jack Bauer shot him between the eyes.  Jack Bauer doesn't like threats.  
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When playing baseball Jack Bauer always gets a walk because he has four balls at all times.
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The Drill Sergeant speech in "Full Metal Jacket," was actually based on Jack Bauer's first communion poetry reading.
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The earth rotates because it's trying to run from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.
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Jack Bauer was the first person to ever pass Duck Hunt.
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God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
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In 'Con Air' Nicolas Cage says, "There are only two men I trust.  One is me and the other's not you."  The other person is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
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You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
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Jack Bauer did not actually need to hold his breath to avoid the nerve gas; He just pretended he was vulnerable to fool Lynn McGill into doing his work for him, then causing him to die afterwards.  
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Jack Bauer hates the show Lost.
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John Hancock is renowned for making his Jack Bauer on the Declaration of Independence.
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Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. 
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Jack Bauer hates WACH-TV 57 in South Carolina, and broke the fingers of both news anchors before knocking them out.  No newscast cuts off the last 10 minutes of his show.
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The Spanish Inquisition started when Jack Bauer once asked for directions to a Taco Bell.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
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Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
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When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.
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Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain "Kobe" scoring 81 points.
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If Jack Bauer was in Independance Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
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Jack Bauer was in last years season of "Skating with Celebrities".  The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
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"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
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If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
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There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
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When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
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David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
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Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
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To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
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When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglas...
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Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, it died.
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Mya Driscoll didn't commit suicide. The lesson: Don't fire Jack Bauer.


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Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
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If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it's protocol.
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Jack bauer know's where the beef is.
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Jack Bauer can break eleven fingers at once, good thing you only have ten.
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Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
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There's only one man Jack Bauer can trust, and no it's not Tony Almeda.  It's Jack Bauer, of course.
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Jack Bauer could make the Knicks reach the playoffs.
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If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
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