Acme-24

 view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because "unicorns are gay."
%
The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
%
When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
%
When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
%
The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
%
Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
%
Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
%
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
%
Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
%
Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
%
Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.
%
Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
%
CTU was originally comprised of one man: Jack Bauer. He decided to let other people work there too, but only because he wanted to help lower unemployment rates. He doesn't need the help, thank you very much.
%
Jack Bauer is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman. Thanks to Nina Meyers, no one understands him.
%
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
%
When women are around Jack Bauer, they don't menstruate - out of fear.
%
With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he'll get a painful treat.
%
The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
%
David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
%
Bedbugs tell their kids not to let Jack Bauer bite when they put them to bed.
%
The I before E except after C rule can trace its origins to Kiefer.
%
Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't wipe his butt. Shit is afraid to hang around any longer than absolutely neccesary.
%
When Gotham City is in trouble and needs Batman, they use the Bat signal to call Batman, when Los Angeles and the rest of the U.S. is in trouble, they use the mushroom cloud as the Bauer signal to call Jack.
%
Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
%
Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
%
When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
%
You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don't want to go down that road with him.
%
If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
%
Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
%
The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
%
To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
%
Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
%
Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
%
Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
%
Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
%
Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
%
If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
%
Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
%
Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you’re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
%
The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
%
When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.
%
Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
%
Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
%
A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match.  That man is Sam Cassell.
%
Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
%
Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
%
Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
%
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
%
When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
%
Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
%
Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
%
Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
%
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
%
Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
%
Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
%
Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
%
Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
%
Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.
%
It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
%
In addition to working at CTU, Jack Bauer also holds a part-time job at the IRS.  Hence the phrase, "Death and taxes are the only sure things in life."
%
The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorist in one turn.
%
John McCain says torture doesn't work. Jack Bauer tortured him until he said that.
%
Martin Luther King Jr. dreamt of Jack Bauer.
%
In the event of a crash your corpse doubles as Jack Bauers flotation device.
%
If MacGyver and Chuck Norris had a kid,
it would look like Jack Bouer’s shit.
%
There must be balance in the world.  When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many.  And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer can find the square root of -1.
%
When Jack Bauer wants a vacation, every terrorist in Los Angeles is dead within an hour.
%
The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
%
When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to wait in line at the DMV.
%
Jack Bauer will never need a concealed carry permit, his gun is never concealed.
%
Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
%
Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists.  While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist.  Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.  
%
Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
%
If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
%
Contrary to poular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase's arm.
%
The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
%
The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.

%
Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
%
Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play "Russian Roulette".
%
Steven Segal doesn't watch porn, he jacks off to episodes of 24.
%
In 2010, our legal system will change.  We will no longer swear to God, we will swear to Jack Bauer.
%
If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.
%
Jack Bauer cannot be linked to Kevin Bacon.
%
Bauer's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Osama Bin Laden.
%
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer plays checkers he doesn't get kinged, he gets Jack Bauered.
%
Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power".  
%
Jack Bauer doesn't watch TV.  TVs watch Jack Bauer.
%
Jackie Chan learnt everything from Jack Bauer. Bruce Lee didn't : He died
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
%
Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn’t like any game that’s not to the death. 
%
There's a bullet out there with Jack Bauer's name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
%
What happens when you break Jack Bauer's rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
%
Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
%
If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
%
Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
%
Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
%
The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
%
At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
%
Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
%
Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
%
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
%
Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
%
Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.
%
Jack Bauer does not need SCUBA gear.  If he runs out of air, he uses anger.
%
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
%
Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
%
Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
%
Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
%
Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
%
If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
%
The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
%
Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
%
All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
%
Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
%
Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
%
Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
%
Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
%
When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
%
After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
%
Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
%
'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;
"She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
%
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he's not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
%
Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
%
Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina. 
%
Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
%
Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
%
Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
%
The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
%
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
%
When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
%
Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
%
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
%
Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
%
Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
%
The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
%
Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
%
Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
%
Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
%
The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
%
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
%
Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
%
Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
%
If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
%
If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
%
Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
%
Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
%
The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
%
A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
%
Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
%
The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
%
Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
%
While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer shouts "Dammit!", the world momentarily stops turning.
%
Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men's souls.

%
If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you're holding.
%
Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.
%
If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
%
When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
%
You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
%
Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
%
If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hoes'.
%
Jack Bauer's Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
%
Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
%
Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
%
Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
%
Jack Bauer pisses in the wind.
%
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
%
One day, Jack Bauer was seen walking around L.A. with a gigantic green heart in his hand.  When asked whoose it was, Jack replied, "His name was Incredible Hulk...something."
%
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
%
If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
%
Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

%
What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
%
Jack Bauer is the American dream.  That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
%
There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
%
Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
%
If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
%
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep.  He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
%
The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
%
If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
%
The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 
%
If Jack Bauer says 'This is not the right play', it's not the right play.
%
Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.
%
When Martin Luther King had a dream, that dream was Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once went to a religious retreat in high school, where, by the end of the weekend, everyone was singing, "Jack Bauer in the highest."
%
Jack Bauer can do long division in his head.
%
When Jack Bauer goes on "It's A Small World After All" at Disney, he gets extremely angry during the Bosnian, Turk, Mexican, Russian, Chinese, French and Arab sections, but otherwise enjoys the ride.
%
When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
%
Jack Bauer never wet his pants, he wet other kids pants to let them know when they were scared.
%
During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose", no one "goosed" Jack Bauer.  Ever.
%
In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
%
Jack Bauer was never taught to use his "indoor voice".
%
Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit" and moved him to another network.  
%
Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
%
Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
%
Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
%
When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
%
When asked why, he always answers, "because I'm Jack Bauer."
%
Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.
%
Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
%
An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
%
Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
%
Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
%
CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
%
Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
%
The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
%
Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
%
Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
%
Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
%
CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
%
If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
%
Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
%
If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
%
Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
%
The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
%
Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
%
If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
%
When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
%
There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
%
After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
%
Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
%
Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
%
Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
%
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
%
Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
%
The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
%
I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
%
We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
%
When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
%
If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
%
President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
%
Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
%
If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
%
Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
%
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
%
Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
%
Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
%
On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
%
If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
%
Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
%
The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
%
Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
%
Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
%
Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
%
Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
%
Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
%
Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
%
Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
%
Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
%
Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
%
If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
%
The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
%
Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
%
Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

%
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
%
Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
%
Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
%
If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
%
Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
%
9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
%
When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
%
To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
%
Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
%
Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
%
If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
%
Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
%
Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
%
When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
%
The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
%
Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
%
Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
%
It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
%
Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
%
Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
%
Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off. 
%
Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex.  Why?  Two words, "Kim Bauer".
%
Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
%
Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
%
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
%
50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
%
If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
%
Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
%
Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
%
There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
%
New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn’t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
%
Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
%
Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
%
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
%
Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
%
The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
%
While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
%
Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
%
Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
%
You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
%
In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
%
If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
%
Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
%
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
%
Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
%
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
%
If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
%
If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn't have resigned.  As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
%
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
%
Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
%
Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
%
Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents.  All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18. 
%
While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
%
When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
%
Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
%
Jack Bauer has no hope. Hope infers the possibility of failure.
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger does Jack Bauer impressions at parties.
%
Jack Bauer only gives one present at Christmas, Pain.
%
Eddie Bauer recently tried to change his company's name to Jack Bauer. His head was found in a duffel bag 2 days later.
%
Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
%
When Jack Bauer smokes pot, the pot gets high.
%
Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
%
The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
%
If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
%
Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
%
The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?
%
Jack Bauer doesn't ask, he commands.
%
Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
%
In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
%
Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
%
A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
%
In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans.  He took care of it.
%
Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. 
%
If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
%
Jack Bauer thinks Walker Texas Ranger is a baseball team.
%
Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
%
Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.
%
Jack Bauer's women get hotter every season.
%
The Titanic didn't sink because it hit an iceberg, it collided with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's intestines don't digest food. They beat the shit out of it until it drags itself away.
%
Jack Bauer spends and hour each morning practicing saying  "NOW!!!" 
%
Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a circular room.
%
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked. 
%
Right before he suffocated, Abu Fayed realized the irony, that, if he hadn’t brought back Jack Bauer, all his plans would have succeeded.
%
Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
%
If Jack Bauer smoked cigarettes, even the Surgeon General would be selling them to teenagers.
%
Jack Bauer's last girlfriend convinced him to see "Brokeback Mountain." So he broke her back. 
%
Jack Bauer can eat steak with a straw.
%
Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
%
The laws of physics and thermodynamics are only intact because Jack Bauer hasn't gotten around to breaking them, yet.
%
The first name on Schindler's List was "Jack Bauer".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
%
Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
%
Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

%
Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitues pay Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can lock a key in it's drawer.
%
When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
%
Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
%
Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus.  Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
%
During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
%
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer… did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
%
When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
%
If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
%
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
%
Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
%
Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
%
After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
%
Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be "The Man".  Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as "Jack Bauer".
%
The FAA didn't put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.  
%
Marines are often refered to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
%
The "Burning Bush" was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
%
Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
%
Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
%
Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
%
I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
%
7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
%
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
%
When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
%
If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
%
If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
%
Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health.  The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment. 
%
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason the Homeland Security rating was lowered from red, back down to yellow. It would have been green, however it still is very dangerous being around Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world's greatest actor.
%
For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
%
If a tree falls in the forest, it’s because Jack Bauer wants it down.
%
Jack Bauer's morning wood is strong enough to support a building.
%
While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun.  Jack won.
%
After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
%
Every guy that dates Jack's daughter Kim looses a limb.  Coincidence?  I think not.
%
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
%
If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
%
If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
%
Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
%
The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
%
Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
%
Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
%
The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
%
Remember Pogs?  Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn't because he never had faggot toys like that.
%
The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
%
If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
%
Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to "any and all people who are not Jack Bauer."
%
When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
%
Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
%
Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
%
Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
%
Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
%
Radioactive fallout won't mutate Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
%
Jack Bauer's Sig reloads it's self because it's scared of him.
%
Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."
%
Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for pussies.
%
If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
%
Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
%
When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
%
Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
%
The pain chart at the hospital reads ”0” for no pain - “10” being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

%
In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
%
When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
%
When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
%
Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
%
One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents’ authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
%
24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer sank my battleship.
%
Don't worry if the nerve gas goes off, Jack Bauer will inhale it and then blow it on the terrorists, and Cummings.
%
If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
%
Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
%
Jack Bauer can heat a burrito so hot that even Jack Bauer cannot hold.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't even need to clap twice to turn the lights on.
%
Jack Bauer used to beat the crap out of his older cousin for having the same initials as him. his cousin now works for MI6.
%
Cell phone service providers need Jack Bauer to stay in buisness.
%
With Jack Bauer coaching them, the Special Olympics soccer team could win the Wold Cup.
%
Superman has two weaknesses, kryptonite and Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer goes paintballing, he uses a real gun.
%
Legend has it that Jack Bauer actually cried for two days straight.  After he was done, oceans had flooded and he had those two days erased from time.  The days were February 30th and 31st.
%
Every time Jack Bauer cries, an angel loses its wings. And implodes.
%
When Jack Bauer was a young catholic boy, he molested the priest.
%
When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer's bullets.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't aim.  He tells bullets where to go.
%
When Jack Bauer runs with scissors, someone WILL get hurt, and it won't be Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer makes omelets without breaking any eggs.
%
When Jack Bauer was circumcised, the doctor had to use a guillotine. Afterwards, baby Jack giggled. 
%
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
%
A minister, a priest, and a rabi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys.  He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
%
The flux capacitor on Doc Brown's DeLorean runs on Jack's blood. One drop generates 1.21 jigowatts of Bauer power. Thousands of Libyan terrorists died for that pint.
%
A Nintendo representative asked Jack Bauer how his TV got 4 holes in it after playing Duck Hunt.  Jack replied, "I only had 4 bullets left."
%
USC's football team hasn't lost a home game since Jack Bauer killed a team of terrorists at the L.A. Coliseum. This has nothing to do with USC's football team; visiting teams are just afraid that Jack Bauer is still there.
%
Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
%
Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet.  Without a gun.
%
There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn't get what he asked for when he was five.
%
Season 7 of 24 will easily be the most uneventful and boring season ever, because it clearly says in the bible: "And on the seventh day, he rests."
%
Jack Bauer has read 3 Tom Clancy novels, 2 of which he re-inacted during a weekend away.
%
The lyrics of "The Star Spangled Banner" have been changed. It now ends, "The land of the free and the home of Jack Bauer."
%
In the director's cut of Pulp Fiction, it was revealed that the item in Marsellus Wallace's suitcase was, in fact, a picture of Jack Bauer naked.
%
Jack Bauer does not turn his cell on silent when he's in a movie theater.  
%
Jack Bauer once had to fight a tank with only a stick, a bottle cap, and four red Skittles. Jack Bauer won.
%
When you feel like someone's watching you, it's Jack Bauer about to break your neck.
%
Jack Bauer is rated "R" for results.
%
Jack Bauer only uses a razor on other people, never on his face.
%
Jack Bauer killed the tooth fairy for trying to take his gun.
%
If the hospital in Grey's Anatomy had called Jack Bauer instead of the bomb squad, the episode would be over in five minutes.
%
Walt Cummings has shit himself an average of 2.5x per episode due to Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer liked men then gay marriage would be made legal in all fifty states.
%
Jack's birthday is very important to him, for it marks the first time he ever caused someone a great deal of pain.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't celebrate Christmas, Jesus celebrates the birth of Jack Bauer.
%
A watched pot doesn't boil unless Jack Bauer is doing the watching.
%
How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
%
Jack Bauer and his wife were using 10 forms of birth control, and he still got her pregnant.
%
Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconsious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guys head, then cut off the guy's arm...And that guy was his partner Chase, who he actually liked.  Just imagine what he'd do to you -- a person he doesn...
%
Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24 hour hangover.
%
Jack Bauer once poured salt into an open wound just to see if he could still feel.
%
There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
%
The reason the girls from Girls Gone Wild flash the camera so much is because the camera always has a picture of Jack Bauer taped to it.
%
Jack Bauer turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat cereal. Instead he eats .9mm Casing Crunch. He killed the Captain.
%
On the website HotorNot.com, there is a scale above the maximum of 10. To this day, no one has obtained a Jack Bauer/10.
%
Jack Bauer's cock has been cast to play the snake in Anaconda 3.
%
When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he's serious because he killed them all.
%
Jack Bauer gave a new meaning to the expression "break a leg" because he does it to several people every day.
%
Jack Bauer does not smell what The Rock is cookin'.
%
Jack Bauer got a 1600 on his SATs, just by putting his name down.
%
Jack Bauer uses the small stall in the bathroom. Not because he's short, but because he needs the room. 
%
Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctor's realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer's blood directly. They had do something with it though.  This is why we now have steroids.
%
Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.  This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
%
Jack Bauer can birdie a par 1 hole. 
%
Jack Bauer does all of Jackie Chan's stunts, including ones where he speaks Chinese.
%
Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head.
%
Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he's bored just to taste blood.
%
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
%
Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
%
When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "harder." Actually, no girl has ever said "no."
%
You probably don't think that Jack Bauer can force a towel down your throat, but trust me, he can. All the way. Except he'd hold onto the little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, he'll pull it out taking your stomach lining with ...

%
Worst Career Move:  Congratulations. You've been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
%
If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
%
Jack Bauer does not need anyone to open a socket for him. Jack Bauer is the only person who actually knows what a socket is and why they need to keep being opened.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double".
%
Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee.  This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.  
%
They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
%
Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
%
Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
%
When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
%
Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
%
Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
%
Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
%
If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
%
To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
%
Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
%
The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
%
Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
%
A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
%
The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn't plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
%
There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
%
Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
%
Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
%
Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
%
Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
%
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shits standing up.
%
"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
%
As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
%
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
%
Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
%
The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
%
Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
%
Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
%
Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
%
In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
%
Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
%
As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
%
Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
%
Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
%
When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
%
Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
%
The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
%
Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.
%
Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
%
The thought of Jack Bauer gives Sub-Zero the chills.
%
Jack Bauer can make the Juggernaut his bitch.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't clean, dust is afraid of his belongings.
%
One time Jack Bauer coughed, destroying three small developed countries, and knocking down the Berlin wall.
%
When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
%
When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn't have to stand on 17.
%
When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
%
If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
%
When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
%
When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
%
Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
%
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
%
One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
%
Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
%
Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
%
When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
%
On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
%
Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
%
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
%
When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
%
Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
%
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
%
Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
%
Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
%
Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
%
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
%
Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
%
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
%
In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
%
Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
%
Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
%
Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
%
Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
%
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
%
Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room.  The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time.  The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
%
Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
%
Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
%
Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
%
Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
%
Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
%
Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer gets five downs.
%
After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
%
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
%
Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
%
Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
%
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
%
Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
%
"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
%
75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
%
[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
%
The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
%
A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
%
Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
%
For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
%
Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
%
Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
%
Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
%
Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
%
When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
%
Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
%
Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
%
Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
%
Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
%
When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
%
Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
%
When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
%
Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
%
When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
%
If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
%
Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
%
Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
%
Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
%
Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
%
Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
%
Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
%
If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
%
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
%
Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
%
One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
%
Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
%
Jack Bauer can give an orgasm to a chair by sitting on it.
%
If Jack Bauer ever had to torture God to get information, he would.  Jack Bauer must protect CTU at all costs!
%
Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
%
Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
%
If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
%
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
%
Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
%
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
%
You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
%
Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
%
A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
%
The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
%
Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
%
Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
%
Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
%
Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
%
Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
%
The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
%
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
%
When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
%
The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
%
Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
%
Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
%
The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
%
Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
%
Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
%
Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
%
When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
%
Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
%
Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
%
When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
%
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
%
Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
%
When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
%
The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
%
Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
%
Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
%
Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
%
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
%
The American dream is Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
%
Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
%
Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes "Canned Whoop-Ass" which explains everything else.
%
One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
%
Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
%
Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
%
Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
%
Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
%
Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
%
Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
%
Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
%
Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
%
Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
%
If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
%
Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
%
Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
%
If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
%
The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
%
Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
%
The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
%
Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
%
Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
%
Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
%
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
%
Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
%
When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
%
In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
%
Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
%
When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
%
There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
%
Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
%
Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
%
People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
%
Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
%
At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
%
There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
%
They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
%
People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
%
Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
%
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
%
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
%
The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
%
The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
%
Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
%
Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
%
Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
%
Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
%
Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
%
Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
%
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
%
Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
%
Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
%
Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
%
We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
%
Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
%
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
%
Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
%
Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
%
You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

%
Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
%
Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
%
In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
%
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
%
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
%
GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
%
When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
%
Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
%
The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
%
Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
%
So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
%
Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
%
In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
%
"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
%
Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
%
When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
%
Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
%
Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
%
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
%
Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
%
If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
%
When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
%
Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
%
Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
%
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
%
Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
%
Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
%
Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
%
Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
%
You wouldn't think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting. 
%
The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
%
Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
%
James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
%
Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break.  It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.

The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists." 
%
His name's not Frank.
%
Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
%
Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
%
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
%
Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
%
Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human.  Enough said.
%
You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
%
If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
%
Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
%
MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show.  Jack Bauer shot the men instantly.  MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
%
Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
%
Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
%
Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese.  Jack replied, "Because I can't fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle."  He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.
%
The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
%
Ryan Seacrest is only allowed to live because Jack Bauer shares his network.
%
You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
%
Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
%
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
%
There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
%
Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
%
When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
%
It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
%
Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
%
When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. 

He picks off the pepperoni.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
%
Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
%
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
%
When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
%
When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
%
Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
%
The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
%
Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
%
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
%
You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
%
Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
%
Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
%
When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
%
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
%
Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
%
Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
%
If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
%
Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
%
Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.
%
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
%
Jack Bauer framed Roger Rabbit.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
%
Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw.  He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
%
Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
%
When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
%
Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
%
Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
%
Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
%
In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
%
Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
%
There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
%
Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
%
If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
%
Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
%
Derek Zoolander once told Jack Bauer he was going to show him "Magnum". Jack misunderstood. There hasn't been a Zoolander 2.
%
Jack Bauer once killed a Muslim and took his towel to wipe the sweat off his balls.
%
Jack Bauer is the only person who can actually knock you into next week.
%
A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Jack Bauer never heard this before. He ate all three birds.
%
When Kim Bauer killed her first terrorist, Jack Bauer shed a single tear. The tear was so salty that it caused eleven other terrorists in the nearby region to have a stroke. They died instantly.
%
When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
%
When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
%
Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
%
All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn't get invited to Sony's 24: The Game premier party.  Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
%
Jack Bauer is Macguyver's wet dream.
%
Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.

%
Jack Bauer speaks 37 languages simultaneously.
%
The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
%
The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
%
When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
%
The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
%
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


%
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
%
The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
%
When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
%
The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
%
Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
%
Jack Bauer is uncircumcised.  Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
%
Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.
%
When your mother dies, you will find a sealed envelope hidden in her dresser. Enclosed within will be a letter that tells you that Jack Bauer is, in fact, your father.
%
When Jack Bauer takes a "shot in the dark", at least 2 women get knocked up.
%
Only Jack Bauer can have his picture taken, and take the picture... at the same time.
%
If you tell Jack Bauer you have good news, he will kill you.  Jack Bauer don't need no fucking car insurance.
%
80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
%
When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
%
Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
%
Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
%
The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
%
Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
%
The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
%
To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
%
Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
%
Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
%
Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
%
Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
%
In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide. 
%
In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer.  He still does;  4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
%
Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor.  Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail.  However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried ...
%
The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode. 
%
Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
%
No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
%
The only reason Bill Gates doesn’t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.
%
In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
%
Jack Bauer may not be able to turn water into wine. He does, however, turn men gay.
%
Give me liberty or give me Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was nicknamed 'Fear' because the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
%
During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, "You're bluffing."  Jack gauged out the Mexican's eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy's urethra.  And then revealed a royal flush.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need TiVo. Whatever he wants to watch is on TV anytime he turns it on.
%
When YOU have the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack Bauer's watching.
%
Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
%
Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can get the ketchup out of the old glass bottles.
%
If Jack Bauer was killed, God would wake up in a cold sweat and realize he was just having a nightmare. 
%
When playing Snakes and Ladders, Jack Bauer climbs the snakes and eats the ladders.
%
Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer's vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
%
When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
%
After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.

%
Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
%
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
%
Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
%
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
%
Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
%
If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.
%
Don't be fooled, whenever you are having sex with your girlfriend/wife/mistress and moan of excitement. It is not because of you, they're thinking of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer fought Cancer.  Now it's safe to smoke.
%
Jack Bauer hates to be addressed as "Mister". He prefers "Dammit".
%
Jack Bauer uses Chase Edmonds' hand as a lucky key-chain.
%
Many people support the right to bear arms.  Jack Bauer supports the right to arm bears, because an armed bear is one of the few things that has a chance of actually hurting him.
%
The universe revolves around Jack Bauer's giant fucking balls. 
%
The X-Files are no longer on TV. That's because Jack solved them all.
%
If you Google "Jack Bauer" using the I'm Feeling Lucky option, you'll be taken directly to God's email.
%
I pissed my pants once during 24.  Not because I was scared.  Because if Jack Bauer can hold it in for 24 hrs, I can hold it in for one.
%
Jack Bauer can dunk with no hands.
%
Jack Bauer is in the dictionary, under 'pain.' Oh yeah, and 'busy motherfucker' too.
%
If Jack Bauer told you to stop looking at these facts, you would stop looking at these facts.
%
Jack Bauer wires a flash bang to his alarm clock every night before bed.
%
Many find it hypocritical that the United States is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction in other countries while we ourselves have a Weapons of Mass Destruction named Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer never craps because Jack Bauer never eats. Simple, is it not?
%
Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.
%
As a kid, Jack Bauer molested priests.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes. He makes more chances to kill.
%
Jack Bauer always exercises inside his target heart rate.
%
Jack Bauer didn't fire his boss. He terminated him.
%
Saddam wasn't found by the military.  He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
%
Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
%
James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's penis is so large that the head has only seen the balls in pictures.
%
A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him. 
%
The term "power hour" has been replaced by "bauer hour".
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
%
Although no one can make Ashlee Simpson actually sing, Jack Bauer can make her talk.
%
Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
%
When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
%
Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
%
Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
%
Jack Bauer has died twice. That's also a real fact.
%
For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
%
Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
%
When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
%
In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
%
There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
%
Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
%
Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
%
Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
%
If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
%
Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
%
Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
%
When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
%
Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
%
When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
%
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
%
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
%
Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
%
Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
%
If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
%
Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
%
Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
%
The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
%
Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
%
We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
%
Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
%
Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
%
If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
%
If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
%
Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

%
Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
%
Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
%
Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
%
Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
%
Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
%
Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
%
"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
%
Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
%
Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
%
The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
%
The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
%
Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
%
Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
%
Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
%
An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
%
Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
%
To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
%
'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."
%
In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad.  That little boy's name?  Stephen Hawking.
%
Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky.  With his hands tied behind his back.
%
The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
%
Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
%
If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
%
Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours. 
%
Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan "Jack is Back" during the super bowl commercial. 
%
Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.
%
Jack Bauer made Heather Brooke gag.
%
Jack Bauer never gets the watery stuff when using ketchup from the bottle, even if he doesn't shake it first.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
%
Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.
%
When Jack Bauer shoots his load, his wife has to wear a kevlar vest.  
%
Kim is an Ashlee Simpson fan.  It's the only reason she is on the radio.
%
Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
%
Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
%
Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
%
Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
%
Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
%
What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
%
Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
%
The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
%
How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
%
It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
%
You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
%
Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
%
If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
%
Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
%
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
%
The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
%
In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
%
Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
%
Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
%
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
%
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
%
The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
%
When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

%
In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
%
The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
%
Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
%
When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
%
Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
%
Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
%
Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
%
Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
%
Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
%
Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
%
Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
%
Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
%
Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
%
Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
%
When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
%
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
%
When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
%
The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
%
Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
%
We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
%
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
%
Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
%
The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
%
Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
%
Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
%
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
%
Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics.  And wins it.
%
Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer's AUTHORI-TAH.
%
Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
%
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
%
In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
%
24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't.  The reason?  Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
%
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
%
When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV.  With the Zapper.
%
When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit" followed by "Son of a Bitch."
%
Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
%
Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
%
Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
%
24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
%
Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
%
Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
%
Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
%
If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
%
If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
%
When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
%
How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
%
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
%
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
%
Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
%
By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
%
If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
%
Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
%
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
%
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
%
For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
%
Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
%
Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
%
When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
%
Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
%
Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
%
When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
%
The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
%
Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
%
Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
%
When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
%
Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
%
Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
%
Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
%
The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
%
Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
%
Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
%
The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
%
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
%
Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
%
On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend.  When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet." 
%
Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
%
Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
%
When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
%
Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
%
God created the universe in 6 days.  That’s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
%
Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
%
Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
%
Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
%
The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
%
Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
%
Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
%
Jesus wasn't crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.
%
If Jack Bauer was in Star Wars, the Emperor would have to bow to him or die, Anakin would have died during child birth, Yoda would be his hand puppet, and George Lucas would have 4 broken fingers so he couldn't make Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
%
Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
%
If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald's, he would be called the McDeath.
%
Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan.  They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
%
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
%
I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
%
The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
%
Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
%
Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
%
When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
%
If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
%
Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
%
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
%
When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
%
Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
%
Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
%
Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
%
"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
%
President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
%
Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
%
Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
%
The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
%
While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
%
If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
%
Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
%
If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
%
The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
%
Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
%
Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
%
Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
%
Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
%
Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
%
At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
%
Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
%
Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
%
Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
%
The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
%
The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
%
Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
%
Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
%
Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
%
You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
%
A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
%
Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
%
The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
%
In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
%
Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
%
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
%
Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
%
Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
%
There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
%
President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
%
If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
%
You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
%
It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
%
Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
%
Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
%
Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
%
When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
%
To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
%
On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
%
When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
%
For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.