best results from the CPAN

Acme-24

view release on metacpan or search on metacpan

Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
%
Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
%
Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
%
If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
%
Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
%
Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you&#x2019;re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
%
The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
%
When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.
%
Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
%
Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
%
A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match.  That man is Sam Cassell.
%
Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
%
Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
%
Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
%
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
%
When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
%
Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
%
Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
%
Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
%
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
%
Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
%
While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
%
Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
%
Jack Bauer hates jazz.  The result?

Hurricane Katrina.
%
One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
%
Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer thinks his shit don't stink. He's right.
%
When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
%
Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
%
The new best selling bumper sticker reads: "Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student".
%
Jack Bauer gets the chinese man to deliver his food even if he doesn't spend the $15 dollar minimum. Then the delivery man tips Jack for not kicking his ass.
%
I once played paintball with Jack Bauer. I don't play it anymore.
%
The painting "The Scream" is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
%
Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
%
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa.  He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
%
Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
%
Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I&#x2019;m capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.
%
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
%
If Jack Bauer told me "I won't let anything happen to you" and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
%
When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called "Jack Attack".  Screech wasn't let into the band.
%
Jack Bauer remembers the last time he heard his father say "stop torturing your brother." It was Monday.
%
Jack Bauer don't need no fucking easy button.
%
When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
%
If Jack Bauer was in Terminator 4, it would still be too short even if it was in slow motion.
%
Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is, because he sunk it.
%
In an attempt to curb overpopulation in Middle Eastern cities, the UN offered Jack Bauer a house in Iran. Jack Bauer declined because he wanted more of a challenge.   
%
If you don't know who Jack Bauer is make a bomb threat and find out. (Note: Mortal Consequences are possible.)
%
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
%
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
%
When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
%
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
%
The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
%
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
%
Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
%
While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
%
Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
%
There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
%
Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
%
Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
%
When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
%
Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
%
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
%
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
%
Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
%
When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
%
Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
%
The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
%
Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
%
Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
%
It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
%
When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
%
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
%
The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
%
Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
%
Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
%
Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn't have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
%
Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
%
For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
%
When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
%
Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
%
Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
%
Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
%
Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
%
Jack Bauer wasn't able to shake Audrey Raines out of her catatonic state because he could relate to her. It was because he had a gun in his hand. If you give Jack Bauer a gun, he can do anything. 
%
When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a tota...
%
Losers always whine about their best... Jack Bauer goes home and fucks the prom queen.
%
Jack Bauer took 'Hit me baby one more time' as an invitation. 9 months later, Britney had a baby.
%
Earthquakes are a direct result of Jack Bauer taking a shit.
%
There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death.  They are "You have to trust me" and "You are the only one who can do this."  While death isn't instant, it is inevitable.
%
Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
%
Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
%
Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
%
Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
%
Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.
%
It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
%
In addition to working at CTU, Jack Bauer also holds a part-time job at the IRS.  Hence the phrase, "Death and taxes are the only sure things in life."
%
The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorist in one turn.
%
John McCain says torture doesn't work. Jack Bauer tortured him until he said that.
%
Martin Luther King Jr. dreamt of Jack Bauer.
%
In the event of a crash your corpse doubles as Jack Bauers flotation device.
%
If MacGyver and Chuck Norris had a kid,
it would look like Jack Bouer&#x2019;s shit.
%
There must be balance in the world.  When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many.  And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer can find the square root of -1.
%
When Jack Bauer wants a vacation, every terrorist in Los Angeles is dead within an hour.
%
The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
%
When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to wait in line at the DMV.
%
Jack Bauer will never need a concealed carry permit, his gun is never concealed.
%
Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
%
Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists.  While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist.  Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.  
%
Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
%
If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
%
Contrary to poular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase's arm.
%
The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
%
The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
%
Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
%
Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
%
As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
%
Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
%
If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
%
When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
%
Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
%
When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
%
80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
%
Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
%
Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
%
LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
%
After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
%
If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
%
Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
%
You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
%
What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
%
Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
%
Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
%
Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
%
Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
%
Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
%
Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
%
Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
%
Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
%
Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
%
24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
%
Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  
%
Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
%
One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.
%
Jack Bauer was kicked out of the army for shoving a towel down a colleagues throat after he dropped his soap by Jack's feet, and winked.
%
Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.
%
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
%
Jack Bauer would eat Mike Tyson's children. 
%
Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
%
When Jack Bauer shouts "Dammit!", the world momentarily stops turning.
%
Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men's souls.

%
If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you're holding.
%
Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.
%
If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
%
When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
%
You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
%
Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
%
If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hoes'.
%
Jack Bauer's Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
%
Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
%
Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
%
Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
%
Jack Bauer pisses in the wind.
%
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
%
One day, Jack Bauer was seen walking around L.A. with a gigantic green heart in his hand.  When asked whoose it was, Jack replied, "His name was Incredible Hulk...something."
%
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
%
If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
%
Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
%
The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
%
Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
%
Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
%
Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
%
CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
%
If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
%
Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
%
If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
%
Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
%
The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
%
Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
%
If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
%
When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
%
There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
%
After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
%
Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
%
Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
%
Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
%
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
%
Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
%
The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
%
I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
%
We now understand how Desmond really got on the &#x201C;LOST&#x201D; island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
%
When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
%
If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray &amp; found out who it was working for.
%
President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
%
Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
%
If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
%
Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
%
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
%
Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
%
Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
%
On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
%
If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
%
Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
%
The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
%
Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
%
Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
%
Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
%
Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
%
Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
%
Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
%
Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
%
Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
%
Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
%
If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
%
The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
%
Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
%
Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

%
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
%
Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
%
Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
%
If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
%
Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
%

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
%
It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
%
On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
%
There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
%
The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
%
Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
%
Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
%
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
%
Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot."  Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
%
The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer".  No matter who you are.
%
What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times?  Nothing.  Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
%
Jack Bauer&#x2019;s dog put a sign on his fence that read &#x201C;Beware of Jack.&#x201D;
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
%
Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
%
Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
%
Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
%
Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
%
The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
%
Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
%
Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
%
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
%
Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
%
Jack Bauer's the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted. 
%
When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
%
Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
%
When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.  
%
When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
%
Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
%
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
%
Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
%
Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
%
If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
%
Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
%
In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
%
Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
%
If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
%
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
%
To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
%
Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
%
When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
%
Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
%
Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
%
Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.
%
The Kool Aid Man once broke into Jack Bauer's living room shouting "OH YEAH."  After fixing the hole in Jack Bauer's wall, he was never seen again.  The stock market value for the Hawaiian Punch corporation has since tripled.
%
If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do.
%
Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him. 
%
Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
%
James Bond commited suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer.  He took the easy way out.
%
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
%
A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
%
Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally.  After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
%
Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
%
Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn't care because he plans on taking yours.
%
Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
%
Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
%
Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
%
In Mike Tyson's Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn't get back up.
%
When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
%
Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
%
Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
%
Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
%
Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
%
Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
%
Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
%
Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
%
In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said "Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat". Untrue. Cats only live once.
%
If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played. 
%
Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
%
Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer never really learned how to fly a helicopter but it flew perfectly anyway. The helicopter was scared of what would happen if it didn't cooperate.
%
Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Sylvester Stallone for custody of a Happy Meal.  Bauer then went on to garrote Ronald McDonald for being what he described as "a cheap vaudeville act".
%
Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
%
Wearing a bullet proof vest is like wearing a pink dress to Jack Bauer.  He simply needs to flex in order to stop bullets.
%
Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
%
Jack Bauer has made his own newspaper that only prints insulting cartoons of the prophet Mohammed.  It is now the biggest selling publication in the Arab world.
%
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
%
Vegas dealers dare not question Jack Bauer when he hits on &#x201C;21&#x201D; looking for a trey.  In fact, they better fucking well pay up when he gets it.
%
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
%
If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would've still been on at it's same time.
%
The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
%
Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
%
Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
%
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
%
Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
%
The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
%
While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
%
Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
%
Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
%
You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
%
In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
%
If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
%
Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
%
Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
%
Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
%
Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
%
The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
%
Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
%
Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
%
Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.   
%
Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
%
You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
%
When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
%
Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
%
As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
%
The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
%
When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
%
Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
%
Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
%
Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
%
Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
%
If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer's vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time.  This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video.  Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim...
%
Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
%
Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
%
If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
%
Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer's skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
%
When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.
%
At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to mak...
%
Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
%
Jack Bauer thinks life's a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
%
Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
%
Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
%
After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
%
A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
%
Thomas Jefferson once said, "An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens". He never met Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
%
Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country.  To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck.  Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
%
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
%
Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris...
%
What an ego. Donald Sutherland claims to be the father of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack decided to make Dirty Harry's day.
%
Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
%
Jack Bauer didn't really need a hacksaw.
%
If you sit at a poker game with Jack Bauer, look around the table, and can't decide who the sucker is, you're probably dead now. 
%
Jack Bauer can eat 7 Saltines in a minute and then wash them down with a gallon of milk.
%
Jack Bauer kills more people per day than cancer.
%
You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
%
If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
%
Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
%
Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
%
The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
%
When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded. 
%
The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
%
Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
%
Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
%
Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
%
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.
%
People dont go to Jack Bauer's house for halloween because he hands out cans of whoop-ass to everybody.
%
A man once told Jack Bauer that guns should be banned. Historians agree that this is the worst mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world.
%
Chase once asked Jack Bauer if he was having a case of the Mondays. This is the real reason Jack cut Chase's hand off.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
%
It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and Jack Bauer is the fat lady.
%
Jack Bauer was born after he performed a Cesearean section on his own mother.
%
God didn't rest on the 7th day of Creation.  He created Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
%
Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
%
Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
%
Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
%
If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
%
Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
%
Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
%
Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
%
Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
%
Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
%
Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
%
Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
%
The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.
%
Jack Bauer's semen cures breast cancer, but thats not why women crave it.
%
Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
%
If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
%
When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
%
Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
%
If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
%
Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
%
Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
%
Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
%
When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
%
You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
%
Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
%
Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
%
Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
%
Jack Bauer&#x2019;s healing factor is so powerful he doesn&#x2019;t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
%
At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
%
Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
%
Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
%
While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
%
Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


%
Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves &amp; torture tactics.
%
Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
%
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
%
Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
%
While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
%
Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
%
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
%
Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
%
The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
%
The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
%
Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
%
Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
%
The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
%
Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
%
Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
%
Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
%
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
%
Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
%
Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
%
Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
%
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
%
Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
%
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
%
Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
%
Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
%
Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
%
Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
%
Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
%
If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
%
Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
%
Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
%
If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
%
The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
%
Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
%
The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
%
Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
%
Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
%
Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
%
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
%
Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
%
When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
%
In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
%
Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
%
When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
%
There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
%
Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
%
Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
%
People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there&#x2019;s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
%
Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
%
At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
%
There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
%
They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
%
People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
%
Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
%
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
%
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
%
The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
%
The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
%
Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
%
Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
%
Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
%
Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
%
Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
%
Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
%
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
%
Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
%
Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
%
Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
%
We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
%
Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
%
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
%
Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
%
Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
%
You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

%
Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
%
Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
%
In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
%
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
%
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
%
GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
%
When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
%
Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
%
The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
%
Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
%
So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
%
Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
%
In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
%
"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
%
Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
%
When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
%
Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
%
Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
%
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
%
Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
%
If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
%
When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
%
Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
%
Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
%
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
%

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
%
You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
%
Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.
%
In Batman shows from the 60s, the captions during fights used to read "Bauered!!!", "son of a bitched!!!", and "damn it!!!".  These captions were later replaced with "wam" "pow" and "sok!!", because Jack Bauer's adventures were not televised until 20...
%
Jack Bauer can drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not throw up.
%
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't put the toilet seat down.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
%
Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
%
Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
%
We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
%
Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
%
When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
%
While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
%
After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
%
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
%
Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
%
MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
%
When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
%
When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".
%
When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
%
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
%
Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
%
Jack Bauer invented misery.
%
The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer.  However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
%
Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
%
Jack Bauer does not yield when he turns right on red.
%
The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it. 
%
Someone once said "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen" Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
%
Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
%
The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
%
Jack Bauer knows "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". He kills them.
%
Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
%
Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
%
Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 
%
Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
%
Jack Bauer doesn&#x2019;t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
%
McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
%
Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.
%
Jack Bauer didn't temporarily die from being tortured, he was getting bored of the terrorists antics and decided to take a nap before killing them.
%
The real reason women love Jack Bauer:  He can find the Clitoris.  Always.
%
It took this website's admin up to a week to post this fact.  Jack Bauer would've had it up in 24 hours.
%
Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.

...no, seriously, he did.
%
When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
%
Jack Bauer was unhappy because God didn't let Jack into heaven for all his sins but cheered up after he was able to eternally torture Nina, Drazen and Marwan in hell.
%
Only Jack Bauer knows whats going to happen at the end of Day 5.  In order to keep it a secret, he killed Keifer Sutherland.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
%
Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls. 
%
When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
%
Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
%
Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants. 
%
When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
%
Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
%
If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
%
The creators of the 007 movies offered Keifer Sutherland a position as the new James Bond. They then re-named the movie to, "0024."
%
Now Curtis knows what happens when you ask Jack Bauer personal questions.
%
Jack Bauer Syndrome isn't an illness, it's a cause of death.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church.  God comes to his house instead.
%
If Jack Bauer asks if you have a visual on the suspect, and your answer is "No"... you better hope CTU does something real fast.
%
When Jack Bauer plays you in Tic-Tac-Toe, he is always X. He then beats you into a bloody pulp and draws three X&#x2019;s across the middle of the board with your blood.
%
Jack Bauer is the only person Tony Soprano would never dream of okaying a hit on.
%
If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
%
After Jack Bauer fucked Nina she had to take a leave of abscence. She told district that she was rammed by a truck and wasn't going to be able to walk right for a week.
%
There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
%
Jack Bauer won the World Wrestling Federation title before anyone had the chance to tell him it was scripted.
%
Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim's stupidity.
%
When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies. 
%
Jack Bauer's case of the Mondays was that there weren't enough terrorists to kill in a day.
%
We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
%
Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
%
To Jack Bauer, "Dammit" isn't just a cuss word, it's a way of life.
%
If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
%
Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No.  Really.  It is.
%
Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
%
"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
%
When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name.  Jack responded, "Is your last name 'deathwish'?"
%
Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
%
Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder. 
%
Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
%
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
%
Jack Bauer thinks it's cute when David Banner says &#x201C;You wouldn&#x2019;t like me when I&#x2019;m angry&#x201D;. You wouldn&#x2019;t have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry, you'd be dead.
%
Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
%
Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
%
They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer's left and right arm tend to disagree.
%
Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
%
24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
%
If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he's become since her death.
%
Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
%
"Yeah" means "hello", "goodbye", "what's going on?", and "haha" in Jack's vocabulary.
%
The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
%
If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
%
It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
%
If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
%
"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
%
The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
%
Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
%
Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
%
Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
%
If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
%
If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
%
When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
%
How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
%
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
%
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
%
Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
%
By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
%
If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
%
Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
%
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
%
Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
%
Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
%
Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
%
The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
%
Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
%
Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
%
When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
%
If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
%
Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
%
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
%
When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
%
Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
%
Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
%
Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
%
"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
%
President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
%
Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
%
Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
%
The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
%
While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
%
If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
%
Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
%
If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
%
The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
%
Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
%
Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
%
Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
%
Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
%
Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
%
At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
%
Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
%
Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
%
Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
%
The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
%
The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
%
Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
%
Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
%
Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
%
You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
%
A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
%
Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
%
The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
%
In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
%
Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
%
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
%
Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
%
Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
%
There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
%
President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
%
If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
%
You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
%
It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
%
Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
%
Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
%
Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
%
When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
%
To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
%
On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
%
When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
%
For Valentine&#x2019;s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
%
Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
%
When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
%
Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
%
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
%
In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
%
Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
%
When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
%
Jack Bauer is going to take down the President of the United States.
%
Jack Bauer could silence Simon Cowell.
%
Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.
%
Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
%
When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond "24".  They're not talking about the show, either.
%
Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC.  The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
%
If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
%
Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
%
Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee.  He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.
%
Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he's killed, unfortunately I don't think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
%
On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.
%
Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
%
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
%
Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
%
In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
%
The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
%
In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
%
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
%
Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need "Tivo", televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
%
The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
%
Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
%
Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
%
Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
%
If your power goes out, it's because Jack Bauer took it.
%
Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
%
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
%
On Day 4, Audrey Raines chose to be with her husband, Paul, over Jack Bauer. This is generally regarded as one of the worst decisions ever made by a human.
%
Jack Bauer's doesn't use pickup lines, he just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
%
Jack ate twice the amount of sliders Kumar did.
%
If you played Halo with Jack Bauer, he'd snap your neck in the game. Then for real. 
%
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

%
Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
%
Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
%

( run in 1.133 second using v1.01-cache-2.11-cpan-5735350b133 )