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Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.
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Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
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An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
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Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
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Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
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Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
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CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
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Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
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Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
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Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.