\bsay[ (] results from the CPAN

Acme-24

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When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
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Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
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Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
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In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
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When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
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Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
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Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
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Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer is no fool.
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Jack Bauer completes his missions in 24 hours because he hates going home with a messy desk.
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Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus.  Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
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What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers' ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.
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Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
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Jack Bauer's eardrums are made out of titanium.
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Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

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Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
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Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan.  If you live, you're part of that plan.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own Tivo. His VCR simply lives in fear of ever forgetting to record his shows again.
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Chuck Norris may be able to divide by 0, but Jack Bauer can shove a towel down someone's throat. All the way.
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Jack Bauer can ride shotgun in the driver's seat.
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Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words, "Trust me".
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Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't care about Kanye West.
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Jesus did not die for our sins. He refused to divulge information to Jack Bauer.
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Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
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Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500.  On a skateboard.
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Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
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There's only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
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Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
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Jack Bauer didn't quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn't strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.
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Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level, you don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
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Bob Marley was not lying, he did not shoot the deputy, Jack Bauer did.
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When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
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Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, "I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me."
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Being Jack Bauer's caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
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If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
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When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
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Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
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When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
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The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
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Jack Bauer thinks Martini's shaken not stirred are for pussies.
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Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
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Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
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Jack Bauer was going to study for a PhD, but he thought the hour could be better spent working for CTU.
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In the directors cut of Titanic when Rose says "I'll never let go Jack", she then pulls Leonardo DiCaprio's hand off hers and lets him drown, rolls over and has sex with Jack Bauer. Poor Leo thought she meant him.
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Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone's ass.
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Keynesian Economics do not exist. Since the birth of Jack Bauer, nothing has dared to try and ration him. 
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
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Cindy Crawford's mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
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Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
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Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
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Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
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Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
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The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
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The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
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In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.
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God invented the male orgasm so Jack Bauer would know when to stop fucking.
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Jack Bauer told Frankie to "Relax".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
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James Heller said, "You're cursed Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
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Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
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When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
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Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
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Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
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Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
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If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
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Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
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While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
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Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
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Jack Bauer hates jazz.  The result?

Hurricane Katrina.
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One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
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Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thinks his shit don't stink. He's right.
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When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
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Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
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The new best selling bumper sticker reads: "Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student".
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Jack Bauer gets the chinese man to deliver his food even if he doesn't spend the $15 dollar minimum. Then the delivery man tips Jack for not kicking his ass.
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I once played paintball with Jack Bauer. I don't play it anymore.
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The painting "The Scream" is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
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Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
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In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa.  He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
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Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I&#x2019;m capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.
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The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
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If Jack Bauer told me "I won't let anything happen to you" and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
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When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called "Jack Attack".  Screech wasn't let into the band.
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Jack Bauer remembers the last time he heard his father say "stop torturing your brother." It was Monday.
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Jack Bauer don't need no fucking easy button.
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When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
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If Jack Bauer was in Terminator 4, it would still be too short even if it was in slow motion.
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Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is, because he sunk it.
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In an attempt to curb overpopulation in Middle Eastern cities, the UN offered Jack Bauer a house in Iran. Jack Bauer declined because he wanted more of a challenge.   
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If you don't know who Jack Bauer is make a bomb threat and find out. (Note: Mortal Consequences are possible.)
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Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
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7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
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Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being &#x2018;put under&#x2019; in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  
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Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
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One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.
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Jack Bauer was kicked out of the army for shoving a towel down a colleagues throat after he dropped his soap by Jack's feet, and winked.
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Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.
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If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
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Jack Bauer would eat Mike Tyson's children. 
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Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
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When Jack Bauer shouts "Dammit!", the world momentarily stops turning.
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Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men's souls.

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If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you're holding.
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Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.
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If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
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When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
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You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
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Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
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If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hoes'.
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Jack Bauer's Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
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Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
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Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
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Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
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Jack Bauer pisses in the wind.
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Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
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Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
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One day, Jack Bauer was seen walking around L.A. with a gigantic green heart in his hand.  When asked whoose it was, Jack replied, "His name was Incredible Hulk...something."
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Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
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If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
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Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

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What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
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Jack Bauer is the American dream.  That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
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There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
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Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
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If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
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Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep.  He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
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The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
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If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
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The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 
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If Jack Bauer says 'This is not the right play', it's not the right play.
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Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.
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When Martin Luther King had a dream, that dream was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once went to a religious retreat in high school, where, by the end of the weekend, everyone was singing, "Jack Bauer in the highest."
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Jack Bauer can do long division in his head.
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When Jack Bauer goes on "It's A Small World After All" at Disney, he gets extremely angry during the Bosnian, Turk, Mexican, Russian, Chinese, French and Arab sections, but otherwise enjoys the ride.
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When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
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Jack Bauer never wet his pants, he wet other kids pants to let them know when they were scared.
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During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose", no one "goosed" Jack Bauer.  Ever.
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In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
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Jack Bauer was never taught to use his "indoor voice".
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Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit" and moved him to another network.  
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Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
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Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
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Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
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Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
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When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
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When asked why, he always answers, "because I'm Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer&#x2019;s dog put a sign on his fence that read &#x201C;Beware of Jack.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
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Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
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Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
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Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
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Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
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Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
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Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
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People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
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Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
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Jack Bauer's the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted. 
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When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
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Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
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When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.  
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When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
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Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
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My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
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Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
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If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
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Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
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Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
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In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
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Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
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If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
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If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
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To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
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Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
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When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
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Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
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Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
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Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.
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The Kool Aid Man once broke into Jack Bauer's living room shouting "OH YEAH."  After fixing the hole in Jack Bauer's wall, he was never seen again.  The stock market value for the Hawaiian Punch corporation has since tripled.
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If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do.
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Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him. 
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Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
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James Bond commited suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer.  He took the easy way out.
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In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
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A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
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Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally.  After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
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Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
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Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn't care because he plans on taking yours.
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Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
%
Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
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Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
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In Mike Tyson's Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn't get back up.
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When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
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Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
%
Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
%
Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
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Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
%
Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
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In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
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Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
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A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
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In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans.  He took care of it.
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Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. 
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If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
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Jack Bauer thinks Walker Texas Ranger is a baseball team.
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Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
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Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.
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Jack Bauer's women get hotter every season.
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The Titanic didn't sink because it hit an iceberg, it collided with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's intestines don't digest food. They beat the shit out of it until it drags itself away.
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Jack Bauer spends and hour each morning practicing saying  "NOW!!!" 
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Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a circular room.
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If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked. 
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Right before he suffocated, Abu Fayed realized the irony, that, if he hadn&#x2019;t brought back Jack Bauer, all his plans would have succeeded.
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Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
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If Jack Bauer smoked cigarettes, even the Surgeon General would be selling them to teenagers.
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Jack Bauer's last girlfriend convinced him to see "Brokeback Mountain." So he broke her back. 
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Jack Bauer can eat steak with a straw.
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Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
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The laws of physics and thermodynamics are only intact because Jack Bauer hasn't gotten around to breaking them, yet.
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The first name on Schindler's List was "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer uses a 9mm to stir his coffee in the morning.
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Jack Bauer once shot a man for having too many items in the express checkout.
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Aj.com (Ask Jeeves) is currently underconstruction. The new website will be called "Ask Jack". 
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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
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Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
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Garbage men leave Jack Bauer's empty trash cans upright and in their proper location.  
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They say that men can't handle relationships. Relationships can't handle Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer taught sign language to the blind.
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The real reason the war is still going on in Iraq is that President Bush has not unleashed Jack Bauer. This is why President Bush is considered a stupid president.
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Jack Bauer flavors his food with gun powder and grated bullets.
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Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip.
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Jack Bauer
1) verb. the act of performing an act of heroic immensity.
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Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
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Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
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There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
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Jack Bauer touches raw chicken and doesn't wash his hands. 
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If you cant't see well, Jack Bauer will start with the left eye, then he'll move to the right eye, then he's going to start cutting you.
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Jack Bauer did not drop Habib Marwan to his death because Marwan cut his hand; Jack Bauer is immune to pain.  He dropped him because Marwan has sweaty hands.  Very, very sweaty hands.
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Jack Bauer has a another daughter called Rambo.
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Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.
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Jack Bauer whispers to get you close enough to stab you in the neck.
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The only reason that Chuck Norris is not Jack Bauer's bitch is that Jack doesn't like to lie down on the job.
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes to McDonalds, he always asks for no pickles on his hamburger. One day, he was given pickles by a cashier. Jack calmly ate his hamburger and walked out of the resturaunt. The next day, the cashier was found hanged from a lamp ...
%
Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
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Jack Bauer's tears can bring back the dead. Too bad he didn't gain this power until the end of the 3rd season.
%
This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.
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If you wouldn't go gay for Jack then you are not straight.
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Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
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Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer&#x2026; did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
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When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
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If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
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In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
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Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
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Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
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After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
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Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be "The Man".  Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as "Jack Bauer".
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The FAA didn't put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.  
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Marines are often refered to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
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The "Burning Bush" was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
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Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
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Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
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7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
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Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
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When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
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Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
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If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
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If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
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Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health.  The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment. 
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The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
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Jack Bauer is the reason the Homeland Security rating was lowered from red, back down to yellow. It would have been green, however it still is very dangerous being around Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world's greatest actor.
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For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
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If a tree falls in the forest, it&#x2019;s because Jack Bauer wants it down.
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Jack Bauer's morning wood is strong enough to support a building.
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While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun.  Jack won.
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After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
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Every guy that dates Jack's daughter Kim looses a limb.  Coincidence?  I think not.
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Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
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If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
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If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
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Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
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The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
%
Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
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The reason that it&#x2019;s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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Remember Pogs?  Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn't because he never had faggot toys like that.
%
The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
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If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
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Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to "any and all people who are not Jack Bauer."
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When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
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Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
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Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
%
Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
%
Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
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Radioactive fallout won't mutate Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
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Jack Bauer's Sig reloads it's self because it's scared of him.
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Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."
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Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for pussies.
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If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
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Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
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When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
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Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
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The pain chart at the hospital reads &#x201D;0&#x201D; for no pain - &#x201C;10&#x201D; being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

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In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
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When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
%
When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
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Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
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One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents&#x2019; authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
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24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
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Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
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Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
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If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
%
When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
%
It's Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always answers the phone with "Yeah!".  Only pussies say "hello".
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight, Chuck Norris would knock himself out so that Jack wouldn't touch him.
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When Jack Bauer whispers into Lil Jon's ear, Lil Jon no longer has a hearing problem.
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Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is "The Iron Giant".
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If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
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If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
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If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
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Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
%
Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother. 
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Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
%
The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
%
Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
%
When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
%
Jack Bauer's balls are visible from space.
%
Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
%
To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
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When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
%
Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off of mattresses.  
%
If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack "I don't know," when he asks you a question.
%
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is tattoed on the inside of Jack's eyelids.
%
Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it's primary objective.
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One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.
%
Jack Bauer makes Freddy Kruger wet the bed.
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Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
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People think Jack Bauer can't be shot because the enemies fear him, but it's really the bullets fearing Jack.
%
Jack Bauer was once slapped and told to turn the other cheek.  He did, but only to reach for his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem.
%
The reason Mohamed doesn't want pictures of him drawn is because he's afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
%
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

On the website HotorNot.com, there is a scale above the maximum of 10. To this day, no one has obtained a Jack Bauer/10.
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Jack Bauer's cock has been cast to play the snake in Anaconda 3.
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When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he's serious because he killed them all.
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Jack Bauer gave a new meaning to the expression "break a leg" because he does it to several people every day.
%
Jack Bauer does not smell what The Rock is cookin'.
%
Jack Bauer got a 1600 on his SATs, just by putting his name down.
%
Jack Bauer uses the small stall in the bathroom. Not because he's short, but because he needs the room. 
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Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctor's realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer's blood directly. They had do something with it though.  This is why we now have steroids.
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Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.  This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
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Jack Bauer can birdie a par 1 hole. 
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Jack Bauer does all of Jackie Chan's stunts, including ones where he speaks Chinese.
%
Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris&#x2019; patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head.
%
Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he's bored just to taste blood.
%
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
%
Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
%
When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "harder." Actually, no girl has ever said "no."
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You probably don't think that Jack Bauer can force a towel down your throat, but trust me, he can. All the way. Except he'd hold onto the little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, he'll pull it out taking your stomach lining with ...

%
Worst Career Move:  Congratulations. You've been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
%
If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
%
Jack Bauer does not need anyone to open a socket for him. Jack Bauer is the only person who actually knows what a socket is and why they need to keep being opened.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double".
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Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee.  This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.  
%
They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
%
Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
%
Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
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When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
%
Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
%
Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
%
Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
%
If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
%
To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
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Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
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The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
%
Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
%
A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
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The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn't plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
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There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
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Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
%
Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
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Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
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Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
%
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shits standing up.
%
"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
%
As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
%
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
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Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
%
The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
%
Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
%
Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
%
Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
%
In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
%
Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
%
As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
%
Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
%
Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
%
When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
%
Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
%
The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
%
Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.
%
Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
%
The thought of Jack Bauer gives Sub-Zero the chills.
%
Jack Bauer can make the Juggernaut his bitch.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't clean, dust is afraid of his belongings.
%
One time Jack Bauer coughed, destroying three small developed countries, and knocking down the Berlin wall.
%
When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
%
When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn't have to stand on 17.
%
When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
%
If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
%
When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
%
When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
%
Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
%
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
%
Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
%
Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
%
When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
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Kim must have been adopted.  That's the only explanation.
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Jack Bauer's clothes dry in the washing machine.
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If the Vietkong caught Jack Bauer, they would still be torturing him by now. And he would still be smiling.
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Jack Bauer tried to play dogeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be, "a defensive manuever."
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The people at Konami refer "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" as 'Jack Bauer mode'.
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"Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco". Then Jack Bauer showed up.
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Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
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The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
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When Jack Bauer whispers something in Lil Jon's ear, he does not say "WHAT?!"
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When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
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Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
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In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer.  He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half.  One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer.  The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang...

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
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Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
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Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer didn't need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
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When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
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Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
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Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&amp;M's.
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Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
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Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
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Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
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The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
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Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
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If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
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Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
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Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
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Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
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Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
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Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
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Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
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Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
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If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won't stand straight for a week.
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Jack Bauer's penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
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You've heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
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Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
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Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child.  He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
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Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.  
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Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
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Driving your car over a cliff is not enough to compensate the fact that you betrayed Jack Bauer. Heller deserved worse.
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Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
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The reason why Jack Bauer hasn't caught all of America's Most Wanted...he doesn't want to take away American jobs.
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You don't wanna say "Hello" to Jack Bauer's little friend.
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The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
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Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
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For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
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Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
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If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you'd believe it.
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On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer."  On the seventh day, God was tortured.
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When he retires, Jack Bauer will make a killing selling grills that torture the fat out of meat.
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Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
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Anytime, anywhere, anyone shoots someone in the thigh, they have to pay a royalty to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.

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Jack Bauer became the first man to sucessfully shoot and kill someone in each of the 50 states.  84 times.
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Jack Bauer knows the Cadbury Secret, the Kernels Secret Recipe, and wether you're naughty or nice. 
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While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.
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Jack Bauer blinked once and President Palmer was assassinated, he won't make that mistake twice.

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When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ", Jesus says, "Oh My God", God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer doesn't just think 'outside of the box'. He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box, just to break back out.
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In his college days at UCLA, Jack Bauer was the towel boy for the football team. There were no survivors.
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When Jack Bauer learned how much radiaton George Mason had been exposed to he shrugged and stated: "That's the amount I have for breakfast actually."
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In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer crosses the street and cars don't stop, Jack Bauer doesn't get run down; the cars get stood up.
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Jack Bauer was the only person that voted for Palmer.
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The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.
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A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
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Jack Bauer's version of "making love" is not shooting you after he fucks you.
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The FBI and CIA both use the show "24" as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
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There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
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Jack Bauer's favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
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Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer's clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
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Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
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Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words "cruel", "unusual", and "punishment".
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It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
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Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
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Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
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When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist's head as a ball.
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On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
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Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
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Eve was created from Adam's rib. Adam was created from Jack Bauer's toenail.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use Icy Hot, he uses WD-40.
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Jack Bauer's mother once caught him with his hand in the cookie jar when he was a child, he wanted the cookie, so he shot her.
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Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he's working for.
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Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
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If Jack on Lost's last name was Bauer, he would've killed "The Others," the polar bear, and the monster, and he would've gotten everyone rescued.  However, the show would've lasted only one episode.
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Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off?  It's called "Black Hawk Down".
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to say goodbye when he hangs up. Everyone knows when he's finished talking.
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George Mason once called Jack Bauer a "stupid chump." Years later he died in a nuclear blast.  This is no coincidence.
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Jack Bauer's hotness is responsible for global warming.
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The islamic word for death is "shamalamahmohammadjihad."  The literal english translation of this is "Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
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One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
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Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
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Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
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Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
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The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
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Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
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Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
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Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.   
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Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
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You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
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When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
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Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
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If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer's vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time.  This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video.  Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim...
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Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
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Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
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If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
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Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
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One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
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Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
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Jack Bauer can give an orgasm to a chair by sitting on it.
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If Jack Bauer ever had to torture God to get information, he would.  Jack Bauer must protect CTU at all costs!
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Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
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Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
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If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
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When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
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Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
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If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
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You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
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Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
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Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
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Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
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Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "&lt; Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
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Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
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Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
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The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
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Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
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Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
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Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
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When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
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The American dream is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
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Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
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Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes "Canned Whoop-Ass" which explains everything else.
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.
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Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
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Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
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Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
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Don&#x2019;t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He&#x2019;s gonna fuck you anyway.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer's nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
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It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
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The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, &#x201C;The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
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Jack Bauer is the American Idol. 
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Jack Bauer ate Hanibal Lector.
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Jack Bauer places a bag of flaming dog shit on Satan's front porch every week. Satan knows Jack is doing it, but he can't do anything about it.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer goes as himself.
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That hanging thing in the back of your throat? Jack Bauer planted it there.
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Some people watch TV or read to unwind after a long day at work. Jack Bauer holds up gas stations.
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Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
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Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
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Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy. 
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Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
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Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
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Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
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Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
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Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
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Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
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Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
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Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
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When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
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Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
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If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
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Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
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Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
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Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
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If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
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The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
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Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
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The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
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Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
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Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
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Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
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When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there&#x2019;s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
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Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
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At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
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There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer takes a "shot in the dark", at least 2 women get knocked up.
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Only Jack Bauer can have his picture taken, and take the picture... at the same time.
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If you tell Jack Bauer you have good news, he will kill you.  Jack Bauer don't need no fucking car insurance.
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80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
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When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
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Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
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The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24.  The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
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A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.  
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Jack Bauer wouldnt need a hydrolic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.
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Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eas...
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The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
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The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
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If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again. 
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Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
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If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
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The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. B...
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Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
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If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
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The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
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If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
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Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
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Superman sees his reflection in kryptonite and sees he isn't Jack Bauer, hence the weakness.
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Jack Bauer got Ray Charles to see.
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If Jack Bauer was captured by cannibals, sushi would be on the menu.
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Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under.  The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.
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When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
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Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
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Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
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In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide. 
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In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer.  He still does;  4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
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Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor.  Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail.  However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried ...
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The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
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No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
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The only reason Bill Gates doesn&#x2019;t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.
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In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
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Jack Bauer may not be able to turn water into wine. He does, however, turn men gay.
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Give me liberty or give me Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was nicknamed 'Fear' because the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
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During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, "You're bluffing."  Jack gauged out the Mexican's eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy's urethra.  And then revealed a royal flush.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need TiVo. Whatever he wants to watch is on TV anytime he turns it on.
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When YOU have the remote, you&#x2019;re watching whatever the fuck Jack Bauer's watching.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
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Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get the ketchup out of the old glass bottles.
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If Jack Bauer was killed, God would wake up in a cold sweat and realize he was just having a nightmare. 
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When playing Snakes and Ladders, Jack Bauer climbs the snakes and eats the ladders.
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Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer's vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
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When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
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After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.

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Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
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Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
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Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
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When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
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Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
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If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
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When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
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Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
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Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
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Jack Bauer has died twice. That's also a real fact.
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For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
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Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
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When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
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In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours &amp; 59 minutes to spare.
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There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
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Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
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Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
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Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
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If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
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Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
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Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
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When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
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Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
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When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
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There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
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Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
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Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
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We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
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Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
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Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
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If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
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Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
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If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
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Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

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Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
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Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
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Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
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Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
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Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
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Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
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"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
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Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
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Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
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The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
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Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
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Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
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Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
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An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
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Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer asks if you have a visual on the suspect, and your answer is "No"... you better hope CTU does something real fast.
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When Jack Bauer plays you in Tic-Tac-Toe, he is always X. He then beats you into a bloody pulp and draws three X&#x2019;s across the middle of the board with your blood.
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Jack Bauer is the only person Tony Soprano would never dream of okaying a hit on.
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If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
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After Jack Bauer fucked Nina she had to take a leave of abscence. She told district that she was rammed by a truck and wasn't going to be able to walk right for a week.
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There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
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Jack Bauer won the World Wrestling Federation title before anyone had the chance to tell him it was scripted.
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Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim's stupidity.
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When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies. 
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Jack Bauer's case of the Mondays was that there weren't enough terrorists to kill in a day.
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We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
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To Jack Bauer, "Dammit" isn't just a cuss word, it's a way of life.
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If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
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Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
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When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
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Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No.  Really.  It is.
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Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
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"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
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Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name.  Jack responded, "Is your last name 'deathwish'?"
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Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
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Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder. 
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
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After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
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Jack Bauer thinks it's cute when David Banner says &#x201C;You wouldn&#x2019;t like me when I&#x2019;m angry&#x201D;. You wouldn&#x2019;t have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry, you'd be dead.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
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Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
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They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer's left and right arm tend to disagree.
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Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
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24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
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If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he's become since her death.
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Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
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"Yeah" means "hello", "goodbye", "what's going on?", and "haha" in Jack's vocabulary.
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The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
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If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
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It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
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If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
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"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
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Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
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The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
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Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
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Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
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Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
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If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
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When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
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How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
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Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
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Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
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Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
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By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
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If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
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Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
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When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
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Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
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Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
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At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
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Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
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Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
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What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer's open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
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The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
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Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
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Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
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Paul Raines didn't die from his injuries.  He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying  resuscitate him.
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Jesus once turned water into wine.  Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world's water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
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The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
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Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
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Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
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Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
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Jack Bauer's daughter is very hot.
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When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
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Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
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Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
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When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
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Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
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Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
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Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
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Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
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The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
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When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
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It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
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In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
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Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
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Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
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Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
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Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
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If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
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Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
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Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
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Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
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Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
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Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
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The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
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CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
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Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
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Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
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Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
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On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
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When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
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Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
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Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
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The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
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There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
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President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
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If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
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You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
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It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
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Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
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Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
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Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
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When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
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To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
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On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
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When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
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For Valentine&#x2019;s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
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Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
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When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
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Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
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Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
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In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
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Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
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When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
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Jack Bauer is going to take down the President of the United States.
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Jack Bauer could silence Simon Cowell.
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Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.
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Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
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When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond "24".  They're not talking about the show, either.
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Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC.  The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
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If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
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Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee.  He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.
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Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he's killed, unfortunately I don't think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
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On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.
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Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
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Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
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Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
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In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
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The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
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In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
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Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
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Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.

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