Amethyst

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Amethyst/Brain/Infobot/Module/Zippy.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

}

sub yow { 
	my $self = shift;

	unless ($self->{yows}) {
		while (<DATA>) {
			chomp;
			push @{$self->{yows}}, $_; 
		}
	}

	my $y = $self->{yows}->[rand(@{$self->{yows}})];

	return $y;
}

1;

__DATA__
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don't know WHY!!
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
Am I elected yet?
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
Am I SHOPLIFTING?
America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
Are we live or on tape?
Are we on STRIKE yet?
Are we THERE yet?
Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY WAY" I've ever heard!!
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
Bo Derek ruined my life!
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
But they went to MARS around 1953!!
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
Could I have a drug overdose?
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
Did I SELL OUT yet??
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
DON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a disaster Movie!!
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of OFFSET PRINTING? FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty dining room.
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic solarium!!
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... 
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
HAIR TONICS, please!!
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! ... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no ...
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!
Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!

Amethyst/Brain/Infobot/Module/Zippy.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
I demand IMPUNITY!
I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in my read molars ...
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
I feel ... JUGULAR ...
I feel better about world problems now!
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
I feel partially hydrogenated!
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE in the yard ...
I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. 
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
-- I have seen the FUN --
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling every day from Oral Roberts!!
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life savings in yeast!!
I invented skydiving in 1989!
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch with my LEISURE SUIT!!
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
I Know A Joke!!
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away now.  I fed the cat.
I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in 1965!!
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL legislation...
I represent a sardine!!
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
... I see TOILET SEATS ...
I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
I think my career is ruined!
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and WHEAT THINS ...
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY ... BACKWARDS!!
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
I'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA POCKET??
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! ... 
I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
I'm into SOFTWARE!

Amethyst/Brain/Infobot/Module/Zippy.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a HIGHBALL?? ...
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! 
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I'm about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROU...
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!
My EARS are GONE!!
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
My haircut is totally traditional!
MY income is ALL disposable!
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
My life is a patio of fun!
My mind is a potato field ...
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
My NOSE is NUMB! 
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
My vaseline is RUNNING...
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ...
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!
Now I am depressed ...
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! 
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! 
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY VALUES!!
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BIL...
One FISHWICH coming up!!
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! 
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP .... 
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
People humiliating a salami!
PIZZA!!
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
RELATIVES!!
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!! 
RHAPSODY in Glue!
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS ...
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? Sign my PETITION.
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
to Beaver"!
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
TAILFINS!! ... click ... Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!! 
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG  won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!  (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- and have since BIRTH!!
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER!  Yum!
The Korean War must have been fun. ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS around 1953!!
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON...
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen appeal!