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Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a disaster Movie!!
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of OFFSET PRINTING? FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty dining room.
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic solarium!!
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... 
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
HAIR TONICS, please!!
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! ... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no ...
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!
Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No thanks!
Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ...
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ...
Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN anywhere!!
Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a TROLLEY-CAR ...
Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted island, when ...
Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ...
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
How do I get HOME?
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th' MOUSTACHE ...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?
It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
SHARPENERS right NOW??
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
I am NOT a nut....
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
I demand IMPUNITY!
I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in my read molars ...
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
I feel ... JUGULAR ...
I feel better about world problems now!
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
I feel partially hydrogenated!
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE in the yard ...
I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. 
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
-- I have seen the FUN --
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling every day from Oral Roberts!!
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life savings in yeast!!
I invented skydiving in 1989!
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch with my LEISURE SUIT!!
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
I Know A Joke!!
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away now.  I fed the cat.
I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in 1965!!
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!