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Amethyst/Brain/Infobot/Module/Excuse.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

#
#	my $reply = $heap->{Module}->reply_to($heap->{Message}, $data);
#	$reply->send;
#
#	delete $heap->{ReadWrite};
#}
#
#sub handler_connect {
#	my ($kernel, $heap, $session, $socket) =
#					@_[KERNEL, HEAP, SESSION, ARG0];
#
#	delete $heap->{SocketFactory};
#
#	my $wheel = POE::Wheel::ReadWrite->new(
#					Handle		=> $socket,
#					Driver		=> POE::Driver::SysRW->new(),
#					Filter		=> POE::Filter::Line->new(),
#					InputEvent	=> 'read',
#						);
#
#	$heap->{ReadWrite} = $wheel;
#}
#
#sub handler_failure {
#	my ($kernel, $heap, $session, $reason) =
#					@_[KERNEL, HEAP, SESSION, ARG0, ARG2];
#
#	my $reply = $heap->{Module}->reply_to($heap->{Message},
#					"Excuse failure: $reason");
#	$reply->send;
#}
#
#sub handler__start {
#	my ($kernel, $heap, $session, $module, $message) =
#					@_[KERNEL, HEAP, SESSION, ARG0, ARG1];
#
#	$heap->{Module} = $module;
#	$heap->{Message} = $message;
#
#	my $wheel = new POE::Wheel::SocketFactory(
#					SocketDomain	=> AF_INET,
#					SocketType		=> SOCK_STREAM,
#					SocketProtocol	=> 'tcp',
#					RemoteAddress	=> 'bofh.engr.wisc.edu',
#					RemotePort		=> 666,
#					SuccessEvent	=> 'connect',
#					FailureEvent	=> 'failure',
#						);
#
#	$heap->{SocketFactory} = $wheel;
#}

1;

__DATA__
clock speed
solar flares
electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris
static from nylon underwear
static from plastic slide rules
global warming
poor power conditioning
static buildup
doppler effect
hardware stress fractures
magnetic interferance from money/credit cards
dry joints on cable plug
we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line
sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support
temporary routing anomoly
somebody was calculating pi on the server
fat electrons in the lines
excess surge protection
floating point processor overflow
divide-by-zero error
POSIX complience problem
monitor resolution too high
improperly oriented keyboard
network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)
Decreasing electron flux
first Saturday after first full moon in Winter
radiosity depletion
CPU radiator broken
It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem
positron router malfunction
cellular telephone interference
techtonic stress
pizeo-electric interference
(l)user error
working as designed
dynamic software linking table corrupted
heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly
secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS
terrorist activities
not enough memory, go get system upgrade
interrupt configuration error
spaghetti cable cause packet failure
boss forgot system password
bank holiday - system operating credits  not recharged
virus attack, luser responsible
waste water tank overflowed onto computer
Complete Transient Lockout
bad ether in the cables
Bogon emissions
Change in Earth's rotational speed
Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter
Smell from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads
Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
Evil dogs hypnotized the night shift
Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture
Electricians made popcorn in the power supply
Groundskeepers stole the root password
high pressure system failure
failed trials, system needs redesigned
system has been recalled
not approved by the FCC
need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem
not properly grounded, please bury computer
CPU needs recalibration
system needs to be rebooted
bit bucket overflow

Amethyst/Brain/Infobot/Module/Excuse.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

The Usenet news is out of date
Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
It's stuck in the Web.
Your modem doesn't speak English.
The mouse escaped.
All of the packets are empty.
The UPS is on strike.
Neutrino overload on the nameserver
Melting hard drives
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
The kernel license has expired
Netscape has crashed
The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
It was OK before you touched it.
Bit rot
U.S. Postal Service
Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
The Dilithium Cyrstals need to be rotated.
The static electricity routing is acting up...
Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone.  It's not our problem.
The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
Electrons on a bender
Telecommunications is upgrading. 
Telecommunications is downgrading.
Telecommunications is downshifting.
Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...
Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
You must've hit the wrong anykey.
PCMCIA slave driver
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
The hardware bus needs a new token.
Too many interrupts
Not enough interrupts
The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
fractal radiation jamming the backbone
routing problems on the neural net
IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptable-Power-Supply
CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
emissions from GSM-phones
CD-ROM server needs recalibration
firewall needs cooling
asynchronous inode failure
transient bus protocol violation
incompatible bit-registration operators
your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
Scheduled global CPU outage
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)
Your processor has processed too many intructions.  Turn it off emideately, do not type any commands!!
Your packets were eaten by the terminator
Your processor does not develop enough heat.
We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
The POP server is out of Coke
Fiber optics caused gas main leak
Server depressed, needs Prozak
quatnum decoherence
those damn racoons!
suboptimal routing experience
A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer soltice
the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
manager in the cable duct
Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes.  We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
Network failure -  call NBC
Having to manually track the satellite.
Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
The rubber band broke
We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
paradigm shift...without a clutch
PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
The cables are not the same length.
Second-sytem effect.
Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
Boredom in the Kernel.
the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. 
struck by the Good Times virus
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
Plasma conduit breach
Out of cards on drive D:
Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
parallel processors running perpendicular today
ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect
Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.
Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.
Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.
Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine
Its the InterNIC's fault.
Root name servers corrupted.
Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.
Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.
Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.
We've picked COBOL as the language of choice.
Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.
Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.