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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
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Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
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When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
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Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
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Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
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Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
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If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
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Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
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Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
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Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
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When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.