Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
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Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
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If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
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The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
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Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
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When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
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Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
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If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
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To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
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Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
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The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
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Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
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Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
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Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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Jack Bauer’s healing factor is so powerful he doesn’t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
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At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
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Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
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Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
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While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
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Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
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Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
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Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
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Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
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Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
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Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
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Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
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Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer gets five downs.
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After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
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If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
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Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
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Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
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Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds.  Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
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"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
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In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
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The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer's watch.
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The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
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Jack Bauer knows what the definition of "is" is.
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Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
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Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
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If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
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If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
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When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
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Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.
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Jack Bauer loves to break hearts, literally and metaphorically.
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Jack Bauer's nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
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It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
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The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, “The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.”
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Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
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Jack Bauer is the American Idol. 
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Jack Bauer ate Hanibal Lector.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
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Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
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Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
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Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
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Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
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Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting. 
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The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
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Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
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James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
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Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break.  It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.

The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
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When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists." 
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His name's not Frank.
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Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
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Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
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After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
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Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
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When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
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Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
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Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
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Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
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If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
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Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
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Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
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The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
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Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
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Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
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When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
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When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
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Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
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We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
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Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If you see this give it a 10.

Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.   :( 
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It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.
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Jack Bauer has only cried once, and that was because he ran out of asses to kick.
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The number one cause of death in America is heart disease.  The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
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Richard Hellar came out of the closet not because he was gay but because Jack was in there.
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Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
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Whenever Jack Bauer's cars run out of gas, he simply does one of two things: either hotwires another person's car or points a gun at another person and takes it. Basically he is the Federal Agent equivalent of "Grand Theft Auto". 
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When Tony Montana said, 'Say Hello to my little friend,' he was talking about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was able to give Jenna Jameson an orgasm.
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On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
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Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
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Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
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Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
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If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
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Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
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Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
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In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
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Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
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Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
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Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
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The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
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Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
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Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.