Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer never really learned how to fly a helicopter but it flew perfectly anyway. The helicopter was scared of what would happen if it didn't cooperate.
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Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Sylvester Stallone for custody of a Happy Meal.  Bauer then went on to garrote Ronald McDonald for being what he described as "a cheap vaudeville act".
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Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
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Wearing a bullet proof vest is like wearing a pink dress to Jack Bauer.  He simply needs to flex in order to stop bullets.
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Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
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Jack Bauer has made his own newspaper that only prints insulting cartoons of the prophet Mohammed.  It is now the biggest selling publication in the Arab world.
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Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
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Vegas dealers dare not question Jack Bauer when he hits on “21” looking for a trey.  In fact, they better fucking well pay up when he gets it.
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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would've still been on at it's same time.
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The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
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The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
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While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
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Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
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Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
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You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
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In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
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If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
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Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
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If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald's, he would be called the McDeath.
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Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan.  They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
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The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
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I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
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Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
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Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
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If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
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There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.