Acme-24

 view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
%
Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
%
Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
%
The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
%
At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
%
Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
%
Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
%
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
%
Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
%
Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
%
If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
%
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
%
Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
%
It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
%
On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
%
There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
%
The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
%
Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
%
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
%
The American dream is Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
%
Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
%
Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes "Canned Whoop-Ass" which explains everything else.
%
One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.
%
Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
%
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
%
Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
%
Don’t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He’s gonna fuck you anyway.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
%
Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
%
Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
%
Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
%
Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
%
Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
%
Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
%
Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
%
If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.