Acme-24

 view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500.  On a skateboard.
%
Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
%
There's only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
%
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
%
Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
%
If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
%
Jack Bauer didn't quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn't strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.
%
Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level, you don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
%
Bob Marley was not lying, he did not shoot the deputy, Jack Bauer did.
%
When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
%
Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, "I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
%
Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
%
Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
%
The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
%
At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
%
Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
%
Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
%
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
%
Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
%
Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
%
Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
%
Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
%
When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
%
After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
%
Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
%
'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;
"She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
%
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he's not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
%
Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
%
The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
%
Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
%
Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
%
Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
%
CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
%
If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
%
Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
%
There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
%
New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn’t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
%
Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
%
Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
%
Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
%
If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
%
Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
%
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
%
To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler’s actual list on fire.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
%
Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&M's.
%
Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
%
Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
%
Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
%
The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
%
Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
%
If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
%
Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
%
Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer does not have enemies, just people who he has to kill.
%
Jack Bauer screwed Money Penny and sent James Bond the satellite pictures as a joke.
%
Jack Bauer never gets cavities, tooth decay is afraid to go in his mouth.
%
Jack Bauer controls the Matrix, he chose Neo to be the one because Jack Bauer doesn't like playing computer games.
%
When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time."
%
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. 
%
Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant fucking balls... It didn't work.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need your recommendation, he can find his own fucking job.
%
Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
%
Jack Bauer once took Kim to the zoo. When they approached
the cougar cage, poor Kim screamed.

Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
%
There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head...
%
Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
%
If Jack Bauer were 50 Cent, Ja Rule would be rapping about butterflies and ponies.
%
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

%
Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
%
When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
%
Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
%
If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
%
Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
%
Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
%
Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
%
When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
%
You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
%
The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
%
For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
%
When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
%
So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of "Trust Me" 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
%
"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
%
Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
%
Satellites aren't in orbit. They're trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can't.
%
Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina… sorry New Orleans.
%
Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
%
Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
%
Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
%
Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
%
Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
%
Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
%
Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
%
The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
%
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
%
When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
%
Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
%
When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
%
In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
%
Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
%
When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
%
There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
%
Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
%
Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
%
People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky.  With his hands tied behind his back.
%
The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
%
Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
%
If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
%
Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours. 
%
Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan "Jack is Back" during the super bowl commercial. 
%
Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.
%
Jack Bauer made Heather Brooke gag.
%
Jack Bauer never gets the watery stuff when using ketchup from the bottle, even if he doesn't shake it first.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
%
Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
%
The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
%
Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
%
Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
%
When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
%
Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
%
Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
%
Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
%
The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
%
Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
%
When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
%
Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
%
God created the universe in 6 days.  That’s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
%
Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
%
Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
%
Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
%
The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
%
Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
%
Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
%
Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
%
Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
%
Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
%
In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
%
Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
%
Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
%
Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
%
Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
%
Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
%
On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
%
When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
%
Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
%
Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
%
At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
%
Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
%
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
%
Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
%
When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
%
David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
%
Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
%
To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
%
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglas...
%
Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, it died.
%
Mya Driscoll didn't commit suicide. The lesson: Don't fire Jack Bauer.