Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
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The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
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Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
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Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
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Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
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When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
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Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
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If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
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Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
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Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
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Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
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If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
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The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
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Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
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We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
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Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
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"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
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President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
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Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
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Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
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The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
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While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
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If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
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Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
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If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
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The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.