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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
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Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
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Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
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When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
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If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
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When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
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Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
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Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
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When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn't even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
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The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
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Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.