Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
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Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
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When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
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You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don't want to go down that road with him.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
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Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
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The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
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To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.

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Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
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Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play "Russian Roulette".
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Steven Segal doesn't watch porn, he jacks off to episodes of 24.
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In 2010, our legal system will change.  We will no longer swear to God, we will swear to Jack Bauer.
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If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.
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Jack Bauer cannot be linked to Kevin Bacon.
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Bauer's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Osama Bin Laden.
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There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer plays checkers he doesn't get kinged, he gets Jack Bauered.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
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Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina. 
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Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
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Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
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Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
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Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
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If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
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Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep.  He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
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The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
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If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
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The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 
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If Jack Bauer says 'This is not the right play', it's not the right play.
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Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
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Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. Hope infers the possibility of failure.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger does Jack Bauer impressions at parties.
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Jack Bauer only gives one present at Christmas, Pain.
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Eddie Bauer recently tried to change his company's name to Jack Bauer. His head was found in a duffel bag 2 days later.
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Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
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When Jack Bauer smokes pot, the pot gets high.
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Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
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The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
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If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
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The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
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7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
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Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
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When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
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Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
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If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
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If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
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If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
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Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
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The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
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Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
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The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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Remember Pogs?  Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn't because he never had faggot toys like that.
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The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
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Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet.  Without a gun.
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There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn't get what he asked for when he was five.
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Season 7 of 24 will easily be the most uneventful and boring season ever, because it clearly says in the bible: "And on the seventh day, he rests."
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Jack Bauer has read 3 Tom Clancy novels, 2 of which he re-inacted during a weekend away.
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The lyrics of "The Star Spangled Banner" have been changed. It now ends, "The land of the free and the home of Jack Bauer."
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In the director's cut of Pulp Fiction, it was revealed that the item in Marsellus Wallace's suitcase was, in fact, a picture of Jack Bauer naked.
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Jack Bauer does not turn his cell on silent when he's in a movie theater.  
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Jack Bauer once had to fight a tank with only a stick, a bottle cap, and four red Skittles. Jack Bauer won.
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When you feel like someone's watching you, it's Jack Bauer about to break your neck.
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Jack Bauer is rated "R" for results.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Walt Cummings has shit himself an average of 2.5x per episode due to Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer liked men then gay marriage would be made legal in all fifty states.
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Jack's birthday is very important to him, for it marks the first time he ever caused someone a great deal of pain.
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Jack Bauer doesn't celebrate Christmas, Jesus celebrates the birth of Jack Bauer.
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A watched pot doesn't boil unless Jack Bauer is doing the watching.
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How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
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Jack Bauer and his wife were using 10 forms of birth control, and he still got her pregnant.
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Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconsious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guys head, then cut off the guy's arm...And that guy was his partner Chase, who he actually liked.  Just imagine what he'd do to you -- a person he doesn...
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Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24 hour hangover.
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Jack Bauer once poured salt into an open wound just to see if he could still feel.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Worst Career Move:  Congratulations. You've been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
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If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
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Jack Bauer does not need anyone to open a socket for him. Jack Bauer is the only person who actually knows what a socket is and why they need to keep being opened.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double".
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Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee.  This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.  
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They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
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Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
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Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
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When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
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Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
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The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
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Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
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Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
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Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
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Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
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If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
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Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
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Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
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Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
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Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
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Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
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Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
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Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
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There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
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Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
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When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
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It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
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Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
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Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
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All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn't get invited to Sony's 24: The Game premier party.  Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
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Jack Bauer is Macguyver's wet dream.
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Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.

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Jack Bauer speaks 37 languages simultaneously.
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The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
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The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
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When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.

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Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
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Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
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Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
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When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
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Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
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If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.
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Don't be fooled, whenever you are having sex with your girlfriend/wife/mistress and moan of excitement. It is not because of you, they're thinking of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer fought Cancer.  Now it's safe to smoke.
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Jack Bauer hates to be addressed as "Mister". He prefers "Dammit".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
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Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
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What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
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It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
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You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
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Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
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Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
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When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
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Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
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When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
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The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
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Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
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The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
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Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
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Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
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When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
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Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
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Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
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Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
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The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
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Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
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Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
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Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.